..Click Click Click..
So i finally got around to sorta finishing my layout. still a bit buggy here and there but im not free now la! later la ;p
Oh and if my layout is wonky on your browser its probabaly because your browsers old "=_= go update it.
..The Princess..
I am the very sin of life itself, living in a world and civilization i deem unworthy of the many now ruined perfection it was blessed with. The social
anti-social i be but thats another part of me you will
eventually see or hope to see.
I suffer from a bipolar disorder and can feel extreme happiness and sadness in the most disturbing of manner. Manic depressive some often call me or "emo
girl" for short.
But who am i really?
That girl on the street you thought was hot or perhaps that girl you laughed at the day before.
What you see is your perception of me but what you know is something that even i find much a mystery.
Yes that is me in the picture and yes that is a pink cigarette i'm holding but no i'm not a smoker. But believe what you may for doubts will inevitably
be existant.
..She Supports..
..Talk..
..Credits..
I'm Ginny; girly, emotional, rough and fundamentally retarded. Oh, mustn't forget extremely lazy and amazing at procrastination as well and err...well, clumsy (don't ask). The surname's Yap and no my full name isn't really necessary in introductions. Arrogant, stubborn and well, what more might you ask?
IM AWESOME. Nuff said.
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Friday, October 16, 2009
built my walls on hate. told myself no just go. have fun let loose and now i find myself doing things for you i normally wouldnt. sitting on your bed telling you i was going out yesterday, the cold look and answers you gave me froze me in place. i irritate you to no ends, piss you off unexpectedly and normally i wouldnt give a shit because who the hell are you to me? and likewise i am nobody to you. and that is how you like it.
today i said 5 years down the road im going to see you and you're going to forget who i ever was just like every other one you have. without a hint of hesitation you said most likely and for some reason i smiled. an affectionate smile. i think you noticed because after that you said, you? i think you i will remember. it didnt mean anything. it doesnt mean anything. so why even bother?
we always want what we can't have.
and i should know this by now.
so why do i let my mask slowly fall like raindrops against a window pane.
i'm falling.
and i cant help it. and i know you will hate me for it.
Labels: confessions, personal, stupidity, wordy
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
i usually relish rainy nights. today its sound resonates at a frequency much higher than usual in my head. the rhythemic repetition sounds like nails being drilled into my head and i want to scream in frustration at it all.
my eyes are burning again. i am very very tired.
yet i cannot stop moving. as we speak i am jiggling my right leg in such an unruly manner one would snap at me if they saw. my body aches all over.
i want to crawl into the arms of someone familiar and be soothed by his/her voice. someone to tell me it's okay and that they care. yes i am needy. and yes i am clingy. and even more yes i should probably learn to grow up.
i did not need to hear you mock my parking today. i know i am bad at it. normally i would laugh it off. today, my emotions couldnt deal with it. your voice rings in my head and i am torn between crying or being infuriated. you are drunk yet perfectly sober. ah. such contradictions.
this is bullshit.
angst is eating me up. i am eating myself up.
i dont even know what the fuck.
Labels: angry, annoyed, confessions, personal, random, rants, upset, wordy
Saturday, October 10, 2009
nothing much to say nothing much to do.
at a friends place right now with channel V blasting jpop and i forgot how much i loved it @_@ wasnt really paying much attention to the tv just now but boa has a really beautiful voice no? okay so random and hell she can dance .__.
i really dont know what it is i want to say. but not doing anything alone in the house with good music at high volume does wonders to the soul. hm. a few days back i was here in the same place next to an open window with the pool outside curled up on a couch with a book. i think i am getting too comfortable here. this is starting to get worrisome.
wi has boring games. why do i only play games at other peoples houses? mine remain untouch. strange strange.
my body's in a shit mess. screwed up left right up down. hm. am dead broke now thanks to a crazy expensive medical bill. sigh.
im falling back into my social recluse stage.
im tired. are you?
Monday, September 28, 2009
it was good until near the end.
when you used all those excuses with me. it reminded me of bitterness and how i hated the way you would tell me you had no money yet find reasons to go far away or do things that required it.times when i wanted you to stay home with me and you would reluctantly agree to and show how annoyed you were.
we were in that place for a long long time.
you being moody and angry at me all the time. you ignoring me. you doing things for me not out of sincerity but for the heck of it. even showing your moods to my friends who all eventually grew afraid of you. i was afraid of you. and yet, i could never speak out.
"ya ya!! i noticed!! he treat u damnnnn nice in perth!! he never treat u like that in kl!! in kl he's nice but it was never a sincere i love you kind of nice!!"
im amazed at how you would even allow me a to drive out alone at this hour after i told u i hit my car. how i said i didnt want to be in public and you said Mc D.
i am all kinds of hurt right now.
will i be okay tomorrow?
or will i wake up angry and in pain.
i was going to go to class. but i dont feel like it anymore.
all of a sudden, all your missing shirts are appearing in my cupboard. i turn and look at my bed and i see you lying there with that child like grin i had adored. the one i told everyone about when we played truth or dare in Otto's house.
i want to curl up in your arms. smell that familiar smell and cry to my hearts content. hide in my safe zone. in your posession, safe from harm.
you look happy now. more determined with life. dreams i know you will finally make an effort to reach. you lost yourself when you were with me. i never figured out which side of you had been the real you. and i guess that's what destroyed it all.
i remeber the image i watched on the mirror. and at this moment i want to run back in time. run to that memory where everything felt so right.
You flew like an angel to me
Then you fell and broke your wings
It was never meant to last
Your were just a ghost from the past
I thought you really could be real
That my heart was ready to bleed
When I walked through pain and fear
You would certainly disappear
You know that I love you, you know what I need
You know that I found you so tender so sweet
We walked through the darkness, we walked in the sun
We shared all our sorrows, we shared all the love
You said that you loved me, you said that you cared
So how could I know I had something to fear
I don't know where you are, I know that you're hurt
I should have been able to sense your alert
You came like a stranger to me
And you said you were for real
Though I do know where this would end
I was cold and I needed a friend
I turned on the light so you could see
I was stuck in some other dream
Still my eyes were crystal clear
You came closer and shattered my tears
You know that I love you, you know what I need
You know that I found you so tender so sweet
We walked through the darkness, we walked in the sun
We shared all our sorrows, we shared all the love
You said that you loved me, you said that you cared
So how could I know I had something to fear
I don't know where you are, I know that you're hurt
I should have been able to sense your alert
Go, How could you say you wanted to go
When my diamond were starting to grow
When you knew that I wanted you so
You left me alone
You know that I love you, you know what I need
You know that I found you so tender so sweet
We walked through the darkness, we walked in the sun
We shared all our sorrows, we shared all the love
You said that you loved me, you said that you cared
So how could I know I had something to fear
I don't know where you are, I know that you're hurt
I should have been able to sense your alert
- Ghost of the Past,Bang Gang
i miss you. i miss you so much right now.
and i hate myself for how i had hurt you so deep.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
one being the fact that i finally drove after over 2 years of first getting my license. it was your words that probed at it. words that were said ages ago but somehow made me want to try. "when are you going to drive me around! i dont care man. the next time i'm back in kl im going to call and say ginnnnyyyyyyy i want to eat and you will come and fetch me." why those words would have any effect on me is beyond my comprehension but fact of the fact is, i finally drove.
the second being that i have unseemingly decided that i will at least attempt to go for classes and graduate with pretty decent results in order to get to you. admittedly i am still skimping classes but i no longer use lack of transportation as an excuse and have successfully gone for more than 2 days of classes in a week. my lack of attendance in moral studies is starting to prove to be rather perplexing as i think i have been barred but have yet to be told. i am fearful that i will have to go through the whole rubbish course again. this is very disheartening because it takes me one step furthur away from you. that and the fact that my lecturer is homophobic which does not at all amuse me one bit.
the third being that during working hours time passes faster because i am so preoccupied with the words MUST MAKE MORE MONEY TO GO THERE. not that i have that many jobs but so far whatever has come my way had not been as bad as i had anticipated. and my accounts are not dwindling away as quickly as they used to. in fact i have just about enough for a trip there when i feel like it. or so i would like to think.
and the fourth. i have started to read again. a trait i had lost long ago. i am now able to go through about 3-400 pages in a day unlike the previous months where after 10 pages or so i would get distracted by something else. although this may not neccesarilly be a silver lining as it means i will end up spending money on books which i deem are getting more and more expensive by the day. nope. not good. not good at all.
had a list of other things to rattle on about but my eyes are tired. so good day to you too.
Labels: confessions, musings, personal, random, reminders, wordy
Saturday, September 26, 2009
she is dressed is a soft silky robe, loose and seductive. it falls below her shoulders, threatening to drop entirely but stays in place as if being held by an invisible hand testing the patience of anyone daring enough to imagine it giving way to reveal the soft slender arc of her back and the tiny waist it hides.
i am transfixed in place.
she turns her head slowly with realisation of my arrival. i do not know her.
she looks at me with glowing eyes, a half smile curving upon her perfect pink lips. she turns her body slightly and i note with interest the soft swell of ample breast. she's not wearing a bra. she says nothing. i say nothing.
without realising, i am walking towards her and she turns back to look at the books placed neatly on the shelves surrounding the walls. she lifts an arm and with a long slender finger traces it across the leather bound treasures on the wall.
she is beautiful. stunningly so.
i stand behind her, unsure of how to react. my eyes stare fixated at her exposed neck and i am drawn in. i hear her breathing get harder and in her hand she holds the story of choice. its leatherbound case bares no signs of a title but a velvet red cloth peeks out from one of its pages.
the large book makes her look childlike and i let out a soft chuckle. she ignores me and continues to stand serenely in place.
without thinking i place my arms around her small frame. she smells of milky sweetness, an unidentifiable scent. she lets out a sigh but does not react. i can feel her heartbeat. it beats as hard as mine.
"what am i doing? who the hell is this?" runs through my head.
i close my eyes as the warmth of her body makes me forget. i cannot resist her.
my lips brush against the nape of her neck and a moan escapes her moist glistering lips. i feel a familiar sense of warmth tickle my sex. i reach for the ribbon that holds her robe and with a swift pull watch the rest of it fall gracefully to a pool around her feet.
her back is flawless.
i trace her spine with a finger and watch as she trembles in the cold. still she says nothing. once again i pull her close and place my hand over one of her now exposed breast. there is a sharp intake of air and she finally turns around to face me.
her eyes are a deep shade of brown. almost black but not nearly there. "i want you" she whispers. for a moment i stare back in shock at the whole strangeness of the scene and then she kisses me.
i feel her tongue flicker across my lips and then slowly probe it open. i let her. without warning she places her hands onto my thighs and i shudder as it moves upward hidden under the white dress i wear. she slides it across the edge of my panty and pulls down. i pull away in horror as it falls to the ground. i'm soaked i realise.
i take a step back and she stands there smiling back at me, welcoming me.
*~*~*~*~*
sorry if any of you may somehow have found this offending but yeah whatever. i'll just continue this little story in my head =3
Labels: confessions, cravings, personal, random, wordy
my shisha had been tasteless yesterday. apparently only i felt that way. we concluded it had been the guiness draught i had been asked to down. yes. i do not drink slowly. it makes me sick.
i had fun yesterday.
Black Eyed Peas were amazing and i met the cutest family who danced with me. Cute son, my age adorable smile. I forgot his name. Not like me to forget a persons name when i had spent a good deal of time chatting with. It's okay. We have mutual friends. I'm sure we'll meet again someday.
i finally had more than 4 hours of sleep today. but is it really considered? i woke up at 8 plus 9 with a start and the usual empty feeling of the heart. the exhaustion of the past weeks had been too much and i closed my eyes again surpressing the tears i have been keeping inside over the days in attempt to hold myself up. unknowingly i had fallen asleep and woken up 3 hours later. 7 hours of sleep. well done i tell myself. but i am tired now. tired and lazy. yet disgustingly restless as i have continuously been.
a friend of yours asked about you yesterday. i told him you were ignoring me. ignoring me by not replying my sms-es but he said that's normal for u. is it? i remember you used to reply every message even a random one like me wanting dim sum at 3 in the morning. you even replied when i said i missed you. long time story now huh?
the laugher on your friends face had been much apparent. "amused?" he said yes and i asked if he found it weird that it was me. his answered had been no. it's normal that it was me. but it was because it had been you that it became news to those around. why? why does everyone say the same thing. is there something i'm missing here?? if so, someone please tell me now.
i am tired.
so why do i still dig around for reasons to see you in dec this time around. the tickets are getting more and more expensive and where the hell am i going to stay now.
Labels: confessions, personal, stupidity, wordy
Thursday, September 24, 2009
today i had my first mini accident.
i went up the touch and go curb and hit something. my door dented inwards and i couldnt open it. but it's fine now. still dented and needs a new paint job. but nothing to serious. it was a funny incident. but thinking about it now. i had been so unfocused i hadnt even realised what had happened until i felt the impact.
you've got me so wrapped up in self delusion i'm loosing focus in everything i do. someone asked why i was so quiet 2 days ago. yesterday someone else said it's weird being around me. i asked why. he answered because i barely say anything and i keep spacing out contrary to how i usually am. and all those times i had been thinking about you.
you you you. its always about you. why? how did my defence crumble so easily. how DID I even let u in just like that? unfathomable. even for me.
my spacing out periods have gotten longer and more frequent. todays accident had been one of those times.
i'm losing myself.
Labels: angry, confessions, personal, stupidity, tragedies, trauma, upset, wordy
over the past month falling asleep has been one of the hardest things to do. the dark silence makes it almost impossible to block out memories of you and every 2-3 days you come haunting in my dreams. i have never been through such an ordeal before. and i dont know how much longer i can hold up lying to everyone and myself that i'm going to be okay when clearly im not.
i have lost over 3 KGS in the past weeks. a feat one would find rather amazing for someone who loves food as much as me. you should know, you adored trying to see how much food i could really take. that night in your arms you had one hand over my stomach and started playing with it. you have no idea how self conscious that made me. i wanted to push your hand away, that is until you said "you fat meh? no what. nice mar like this. too skinny not good." you made me smile but i hid it from u and answered coldly "fatter than last time la" and closed my eyes with a a contented sigh.
but it isnt falling asleep that's the most painful. it's waking up. everytime i feel myself stir the first thing that happens is that annoying clenching of the heart. i have not woken up happy and alive in quite a while.
i still wonder everyday what was those messages you left in my msn while i had been away. if they had really been nothing you would have told me.
i trusted you ....
Labels: confessions, emo, personal, upset, wordy
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
"i'll see you soon k?" was the last thing whispered in my ears at the airport in what felt like the longest most paiful hug i've ever had in a long long time. i couldnt even bring myself to stand up when you looked at me and said "not even a hug?" to which i could only weakly react with a false smile on my face by holding my arms out for one while being still seated on those cold iron chairs.
the minute your sight disappeared i sat alone drowning in my own unhidden sobs while passerbys walked past and gave me a look of knowing and heartfelt understanding.
"i'll see you soon k." had then been repeated on the phone in those little times i had found the courage to call.
yesterday it was different. yesterday u ended it with something almost similiar and i remember you saying it only once when i called while u were having dinner.
"i'll talk to u soon k?" why do u always end my calls that way. they always leave place for questions. it's hard to tell whether it's positive or negative and it claws at me every single time.
see you soon always meant see you soon in the past because the next day or the next few days you would schedule a meal with me. never once had your words ended in false pretense because even if you didnt make it on the intended date you would always make it up to me the next day.
so when does see you soon apply now? it was meant to be december until you unexpectedly blew me off. the money i refused to use in order to buy my air tickets are still kept nicely in a box and stupidly my funds are being thrifted as much as possible in order to add to that. why? i could use it to buy anything else so why am i saving for a trip that's not going to happen? i am blinded. more blinded that i would ever expect myself to be.
so what about talk to you soon. you never ever call except to tell me you're back in KL and to ask if i want to eat. that or when you're outside my house. but you never really liked messages now that i think about it. you always asked me to call instead. you're not going to call me. i know this. were your words meant to encourage me that it's okay for me to call or were u not thinking and those words just came spurting out.
hot cold hot cold.
you're more confusing than i had known you to be.
Labels: confessions, musings, personal, reminders, upset, wordy
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
i was in good company at midnight today, in good spirits in fact but slowly i could feel this tugging sensation in my heart and that annoying akward restlessness overcame. i was not tired i know but i could not bear to be in the presence of people i cared dearly for at 3 this morning. in the car on the empty roads my tears spilled like liquid crystals while i screamed the lyrics of every sad love song that came on the radio.
my house was still alive, people playing mahjong and watching tv. how unusual. at that hour it was usually dead quiet and i entered silent with a hard face; so much that no one as much as even bothered to say their usual exchange of formalities. they could tell i wanted to be alone. not even a whim from her on my arrival home at such an obscene hour.
occupy yourself screamed my head. i buried myself in my blankets and pulled my latest book open after a mere an hour on the internet. i shouldnt read such books. books that start with lust, continues in anguish and abandonment but ends in happy smiles. it gives me false hope. hopes that i know should not even exist.
it nearing 7. stop i told myself you have to go to bed and get up early for a lunch date.
i awoke 3 times in less than 4 hours dreaming that you had called. called to ask if i still wanted to come for christmas like how i had originally intended and you had unthinkinly said okay. repeated flips of the phone and an empty screen stared back and the unmoving flicker of the time left me dumbfounded and in shock. i had not slept, not really.
now only semi conscious and my tired mind in a flurry of confused emotions i am unable to go back to sleep. i close my eyes and there the image of you propped up against me with your head cocked to one side observing my reaction to your words stare back at me.
"what if i kiss you?"
you hadnt even given me a chance to think or react. i had barely even opened my mouth to answer you before you placed your lips possessively over mine. it was the sheer aggressiveness of your kiss that subdued me that night. it was a long rough kiss. it was not the usual soft slow kisses i favoured but the exact opposite and yet i allowed myself to yield to your every whim and want. almost.
memories i should forget. memories i should let go off just like you told me too.
"think of it all as just a dream. good bye ginny."
who even says shit like that anymore? it took you over 2 weeks to finally really stop replying. that had not been your last message to me. the last one had been "ok. love and peace." that is until your housemate probed you into at least saying something about the letter you received. the last message was cold yet civil. an act of someone who didn't want to care but did so just to appease the public. it still sits in my inbox mocking me.
why am i so deadly infactuated by you? how could i be? i refuse to believe that i am in love for i know you are not. i was nothing but a mere crush to you. a crush that had lasted for quite a while in my blind unrealising eyes. you finally had me, and then my appeal is gone. just another conquest.
"time and fate is not on our side."
how can you tell really?
it was fate that made that damn ticket 20 bucks cheaper than what i had made my maximum. i never really intended to go. i just said i'll think about it to silence you for a while. i figured the idea of shopping there hadnt much appealed to me considering how tightly on a budget i was. you told me to come for 2 days. it was fate that made the cheapest tickets a day and a half longer. and it was in that extra day and a half that chaos had ensued.
did fate really play itself out so carelessly or was it my own recklessness that put me in my current disposition? time. we have all the time in the world. wheres your hurry love? because im damned as well willing to wait that extra year out to fly there for even that slight chance of reconcilation.
"just go there. i don't believe he dont care lo when you're right in front of his eyes" your god sister had said. i can't tell if she was just saying that to shut me up or she was giving me actual advice. that's a long time more. i know because i have been counting the days since i left.
i am at a loss at what to do right now. i had a plan all ready in my childish dumb head but my inability to sleep peacefully today has made my plan seem pointless and futile.
i should stop hoping. i should stop believing that you had really cared. i give myself ugly expectations of things to come. painting images of your reaction to my pathethic attempts, each image a clear cut shadow of rejection. each laced with accurate details of your favourite words and that nochalant way you usually answer. every idea, every knowledge tells me to walk away yet everyday my heart still beats in fury everytime a private number appears.
and breaks again everytime because it is never,
never you.
Labels: confessions, emo, nightmares, personal, sad, upset, wordy
Monday, September 21, 2009
the book i was reading today poked needles in my heart and the resemblance of how the intimacy began and abruptly ended made me smile. it was so much like what had happened that night and it's image did both to hurt and to cheer me up.
"i really have feelings for you..."
you told me this the day i left and then something else a few days back. but i believe in these words a whole deal more. those replayed images might have betrayed me but i remember with every distinct detail how possesively you held my hand to sleep and how tightly u held me close. along with those whispered mumbles i pretended not to hear just so you would repeat them again in your sleepy stupor.
and then there were those moments where i turned and snuggled myself on your chest and automatically your arms would close themselves around me and a smile played on your lips.
but what i remembered most was the time i played the ps3 and i got so agitated i wanted to throw the control at the screen. all of a sudden u sat down next to me and put your head on my shoulder in that strange manja way i've never seen you behave. i didnt know how to react so i ignored you and continued playing but still there was a look of utter content that stayed on your face even when in the end all it got you was a pat on the head. that was your one random manja moment with me and i cant help but feel helpless at the thought of losing you even as a friend.
was i really that easy to let go and forget? or does it hurt you when i call? you're so puzzling sometimes. indecisively so.
you have really smooth skin. did you know that? that was what went through my mind the first time my hand held your bare back.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
i thought my feelings had almost entirely evaporated yet i find myself still constantly checking your msn and facebook statuses. today's one struck a chord in my heart strings and i felt this familiar sensation sting the back of my eyes.
i want to call you and tell you i miss you.
yet somehow i think you're much happier right now and i would hate myself if somehow i took those newfound happiness away from you.
but really, i do miss you and yes, i do still love you.
Labels: confessions, personal, reminders, wordy
Saturday, September 19, 2009
over 12 hours in their company and i know im going to miss them like crazy when they leave.
it was an interesting day; flash floods, blinking street lights and the repetition of the numbers 22 and 222 way too many times.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
home again i stood in the shower covered in foam and i stared at my reddish pink shower gel.
"you like pink right?"
i never really realised but its funny how you knew because i never really said or squealed at anything pink in front of you before.or have i? am i really that transparent sometimes?
showers remind me of you.
i woke you up complaining that we were going to be late and you insisted that you wanted to bath. i shrugged it off and when you came out you found me asleep on your bed. then it was your turn to wake me up and you just had to rub it in.
"you see! you wake me up so early and then now you go back to sleep instead!!"
it wasnt sarcastic it wasnt mean, you said it with a smile and i sheepishly buried myself deeper under the warm comfort of your bed. before i could answer you kissed me on my nose and went downstairs to wait.
it doesnt hurt like the feeling of betrayal anymore but every little thing still remind of you and my heart still clenches at the thought.
today, baby boy K and his "canabis" girl sat together reading the book you had bought . i placed it on the shelf untouched for quite a while now because it's sight played out random memories of your presence around. out in the hands of someone else, the book once again reminded me of you. haha what else? coincidently, you happened to buy me the shirt i was wearing today as well.
i guess i never really noticed the impact of you until right now.
almost a month.
you hold the record. and even im amazed at myself.
Labels: confessions, personal, random, reminders, wordy
Thursday, September 10, 2009
i called you today.i rarely have the guts to press dial. your voicemail answered me. i've never heard your voicemail before but it left a weird kind of sadness today. it wasnt the voice i was used to hearing but the voice i last heard. tired, cold and unhappy.
i miss hearing you call my name and that funny way you drag your words and thank yous. i miss the way your eyes sparkle when you laugh at my mishaps despite the fact you always insist that you're not laughing.
im thinking about that day when i walked past what one would consider one of my favourite brands without a second glance and you stood a few metres in front. you stopped, turned around and snickered while i continued to walk straight on. "eh? why arent your eyes glowing like they usually do when you want something?" were the words that escaped your mouth.
i rolled my eyes and said there was nothing of interest, only to stop in front of the pet shop you very quickly walked past. i clung to the window and stared at that little ball of fur and squealed like the kid i was "CAN WE BRING IT HOME?!" and you answered the way u always did to my overly naive demands. "haha, no ginny im not going to take care of it and it's going to die. anyway my apartment doesnt allow pets." you never did call me anything other than my name but it was always the way you said it that remains imprinted in my dumb head.
i miss you still.
and it's amazing how everyday i can still cry.
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
"wheres your new bf? u not very heng damn fast got new bf wan meh?"
funny how those words came from u that day but like the way u knew me, those words were true werent they? totally irrelevant to anything but those words keep replaying themselves over and over again in my head. why?
"...i can't let my feelings control me right now..."
then why did u let it before? why didnt u shut the fuck up and leave me be like u apparently had all this while before? i thought u knew my stories well enough inside out to know how it would play out somehow. did u think this time it would be any different or did u think this time i would take it all as a game?
"...i think you should just forget about this relationship..."
haha. funny. what relationship? you never really established one did you? and like as stupid as it all seems, so why? why am i still hurting from all those words u said and those short lived memories you left?
"none ginny. i swear. only you..."
i laughed when you said that.corny as hell i swear. and then i didnt believe you. turned around and pretended i didnt hear but you continued and i found it hard not to trust you. yet now i find it so unbelievable because if i were, you wouldnt have left me to cry now ...would you? and now replaying those words in my head, it's because its so corny it sounds so artificial now somehow.
so many more things that keep repeating themselves in my head. so many more words, so many more actions. and everytime one runs by, the sting of your abandonment lashes across my beating heart and tears spring out like the day you sent me those last few messages. "im sorry, its all my fault. just forget about me, i'll never bother you again." or what i thought would have been your last messages. but no, they werent.
"you will always have a place with me but ..."
lies. they feel like such lies. they feel like words said just to try and save yourself.
i can' tell whats fiction from truth anymore. i can't tell who you are or who i am to you. or what i even was. and i wish i could hate you. but it's fucked up how after all those instant replays and insecurities left to seep into the cracks of your mind games, i dont. and instead i miss you like it was just yesterday you held me close.
Labels: confessions, emo, personal, reminders, stupidity, upset, wordy
Saturday, September 05, 2009
since ive been back, the skies of KL have been an amazing kind of colour. right now the view outside my windows pretty spectacular. the blue is such a deep kind of colour with swirls of yellow white and orange, a tinge of purple laced around like a sort of glowing halo.
i miss my happy weather days and that smile on your face. thinking about it now, i wish i could giggle at u while u wince everytime i say NO! i want to walk in the sun! and after each moan of noooooooo ginny you would smile anyway.
should i go to hong kong with my very vain friend. hm.? no xind =p its not u but her name sounds like yours. hahaha
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
i hate winter. i hate the weather but one thing i relished was the long hot showers i would take everyday before i had to brave the much dreaded cold. i love how the warmth spreads and the fruity sweet smells of shower foam would lock themselves in my senses.
i dont usually take long showers, not even when im at breaking down point sprawled on the floor and crying.
just a moment ago i felt like taking one of my long showers with my pretty pink shower cream i brought all the way back from australia. i lasted approximately 10 minutes before finding it strange. came out and my shower felt different.
everyones home now. my heads clouding over and the noise level here is pushing at my buttons. there really is no peace for me here is there? at least not till the wee mornings. maybe thats why i hate going to classes so much. leaving when i feel most at home and having to come home to this havoc that drives me insane.
maybe i should have left earlier.
right now my heart is beating at an unusually fast rate and my hands are threatening to clench into a fist faced towards the wall. i can see the veins starting to appear.
this house agitates me.
Labels: angry, confessions, personal, upset, wordy
maybe its KL or maybe it's just me. on holiday i thought abt exams and studying and how if im planning on going to Sydney for study break i'd lug my books along with me. Coming back i just found out classes started yesterday when i thought it was next week and all my head can go is FML. im skipping class this week. screw it.
im hungry.
where's everyone.
why does KL feel so empty all of a sudden. it's pretty lonely here isnt it. now that i really think about it.
" Tell me what is on your mind
Help me 'cause I'd like to know
What the hell is going on
Never thought I'd sing this song
Let's not get started with the he said she said
Sometimes it just doesn't go as planned "
never thought i'd start crying so early with my life back here. I've always loved KL, i still do but right now i want to be anywhere else but here.
Walking on the streets where nobody knows me and i know nobody. Ciggie in hand and tears running down my face nobody's gonna give a flying fuck out there. And sometimes i guess that's the way i like it.
I want to sit out there on those rocks facing the sea and just let time pass by me. Or lie in the grass and stare at the sky like i had all the time in the world with that warm sun splashed across my skin while that gentle breeze plays with my hair and tickles my smiling face.
KL no longer feels like home.
Labels: confessions, emo, lyrics, personal, sad, upset, wordy
Monday, August 31, 2009
Do you know how much pain im going through right now?
Do you?
Do you even know how much tears i have spilled for you?
" why you come here during rainy season? damn bad luck lor you " - Eveline
haha. the irony. everytime it rains here i cry.
just take me back in time. to say the words i had to say and to do those things i wished i did. i just needed a little more time.
" go talk to him about it now la!. don't regret later k? " - Xind
i am incapable of talking about it. not because i dont want to but because i can't. im afraid. i was afraid and i think this time maybe it's too late.
Labels: angry, confessions, emo, personal, sad, upset, wordy