..Click Click Click..
So i finally got around to sorta finishing my layout. still a bit buggy here and there but im not free now la! later la ;p
Oh and if my layout is wonky on your browser its probabaly because your browsers old "=_= go update it.
..The Princess..
I am the very sin of life itself, living in a world and civilization i deem unworthy of the many now ruined perfection it was blessed with. The social
anti-social i be but thats another part of me you will
eventually see or hope to see.
I suffer from a bipolar disorder and can feel extreme happiness and sadness in the most disturbing of manner. Manic depressive some often call me or "emo
girl" for short.
But who am i really?
That girl on the street you thought was hot or perhaps that girl you laughed at the day before.
What you see is your perception of me but what you know is something that even i find much a mystery.
Yes that is me in the picture and yes that is a pink cigarette i'm holding but no i'm not a smoker. But believe what you may for doubts will inevitably
be existant.
..She Supports..
..Talk..
..Credits..
I'm Ginny; girly, emotional, rough and fundamentally retarded. Oh, mustn't forget extremely lazy and amazing at procrastination as well and err...well, clumsy (don't ask). The surname's Yap and no my full name isn't really necessary in introductions. Arrogant, stubborn and well, what more might you ask?
IM AWESOME. Nuff said.
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Wednesday, October 14, 2009
my inability to do so makes me feel ill at ease. im not suppose to get attached. im not suppose to care. in a way i dont yet i still do. why did the way u talk to me sting so bad today. i almost cried in front of him. he has seen me cry. but it was never about him. today it was.
to add to the whole pathethicness of it all i have discovered that another one of my guinea pigs is on the verge of dying. and will very well be dead by morning. and im sad but im not. im so numb right now. so devoid of emotions. so empty. what the fuck is wrong with me. am i really as mentally retarded as everyone seems to think i am?
i need my boys and babes who are not in the country right now. i need you guys so badly.
anyway. do be a dear and click on THIS LINK. all help is much appreciated. thanks
Monday, October 12, 2009
you say i have the same look. you always tell me to stop looking at you that way yet your eyes showed signs of approval and you always ended it with a shy laugh. i never got what u meant, at least not until it was just that little too late.
i havent dreamt of you in over a month. last night was a painful blow. i have not smiled today. and i cried again in the car. i can't tell if it's the music i've been listening to or the way the sky seems to remain downcast but today has been nothing short of a dazed blue monday.
i miss you
still.
Labels: confessions, emo, personal, sad, upset
Thursday, October 08, 2009
it haunts and breaks you.
i know how i feel. i know what is happening. i know i should walk away now before i hurt myself again. i know all the answers, every fact every truth yet as always i let my defences slip right in front of my own eyes.
i never learn do i?
i did not choose or vouch for it to happen. it just did.
and im sorry i couldnt live up to your expectations, but i know you saw it coming.
Labels: confessions, emo, personal, tragedies
Monday, September 28, 2009
all of a sudden, all your missing shirts are appearing in my cupboard. i turn and look at my bed and i see you lying there with that child like grin i had adored. the one i told everyone about when we played truth or dare in Otto's house.
i want to curl up in your arms. smell that familiar smell and cry to my hearts content. hide in my safe zone. in your posession, safe from harm.
you look happy now. more determined with life. dreams i know you will finally make an effort to reach. you lost yourself when you were with me. i never figured out which side of you had been the real you. and i guess that's what destroyed it all.
i remeber the image i watched on the mirror. and at this moment i want to run back in time. run to that memory where everything felt so right.
You flew like an angel to me
Then you fell and broke your wings
It was never meant to last
Your were just a ghost from the past
I thought you really could be real
That my heart was ready to bleed
When I walked through pain and fear
You would certainly disappear
You know that I love you, you know what I need
You know that I found you so tender so sweet
We walked through the darkness, we walked in the sun
We shared all our sorrows, we shared all the love
You said that you loved me, you said that you cared
So how could I know I had something to fear
I don't know where you are, I know that you're hurt
I should have been able to sense your alert
You came like a stranger to me
And you said you were for real
Though I do know where this would end
I was cold and I needed a friend
I turned on the light so you could see
I was stuck in some other dream
Still my eyes were crystal clear
You came closer and shattered my tears
You know that I love you, you know what I need
You know that I found you so tender so sweet
We walked through the darkness, we walked in the sun
We shared all our sorrows, we shared all the love
You said that you loved me, you said that you cared
So how could I know I had something to fear
I don't know where you are, I know that you're hurt
I should have been able to sense your alert
Go, How could you say you wanted to go
When my diamond were starting to grow
When you knew that I wanted you so
You left me alone
You know that I love you, you know what I need
You know that I found you so tender so sweet
We walked through the darkness, we walked in the sun
We shared all our sorrows, we shared all the love
You said that you loved me, you said that you cared
So how could I know I had something to fear
I don't know where you are, I know that you're hurt
I should have been able to sense your alert
- Ghost of the Past,Bang Gang
i miss you. i miss you so much right now.
and i hate myself for how i had hurt you so deep.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
over the past month falling asleep has been one of the hardest things to do. the dark silence makes it almost impossible to block out memories of you and every 2-3 days you come haunting in my dreams. i have never been through such an ordeal before. and i dont know how much longer i can hold up lying to everyone and myself that i'm going to be okay when clearly im not.
i have lost over 3 KGS in the past weeks. a feat one would find rather amazing for someone who loves food as much as me. you should know, you adored trying to see how much food i could really take. that night in your arms you had one hand over my stomach and started playing with it. you have no idea how self conscious that made me. i wanted to push your hand away, that is until you said "you fat meh? no what. nice mar like this. too skinny not good." you made me smile but i hid it from u and answered coldly "fatter than last time la" and closed my eyes with a a contented sigh.
but it isnt falling asleep that's the most painful. it's waking up. everytime i feel myself stir the first thing that happens is that annoying clenching of the heart. i have not woken up happy and alive in quite a while.
i still wonder everyday what was those messages you left in my msn while i had been away. if they had really been nothing you would have told me.
i trusted you ....
Labels: confessions, emo, personal, upset, wordy
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
i was in good company at midnight today, in good spirits in fact but slowly i could feel this tugging sensation in my heart and that annoying akward restlessness overcame. i was not tired i know but i could not bear to be in the presence of people i cared dearly for at 3 this morning. in the car on the empty roads my tears spilled like liquid crystals while i screamed the lyrics of every sad love song that came on the radio.
my house was still alive, people playing mahjong and watching tv. how unusual. at that hour it was usually dead quiet and i entered silent with a hard face; so much that no one as much as even bothered to say their usual exchange of formalities. they could tell i wanted to be alone. not even a whim from her on my arrival home at such an obscene hour.
occupy yourself screamed my head. i buried myself in my blankets and pulled my latest book open after a mere an hour on the internet. i shouldnt read such books. books that start with lust, continues in anguish and abandonment but ends in happy smiles. it gives me false hope. hopes that i know should not even exist.
it nearing 7. stop i told myself you have to go to bed and get up early for a lunch date.
i awoke 3 times in less than 4 hours dreaming that you had called. called to ask if i still wanted to come for christmas like how i had originally intended and you had unthinkinly said okay. repeated flips of the phone and an empty screen stared back and the unmoving flicker of the time left me dumbfounded and in shock. i had not slept, not really.
now only semi conscious and my tired mind in a flurry of confused emotions i am unable to go back to sleep. i close my eyes and there the image of you propped up against me with your head cocked to one side observing my reaction to your words stare back at me.
"what if i kiss you?"
you hadnt even given me a chance to think or react. i had barely even opened my mouth to answer you before you placed your lips possessively over mine. it was the sheer aggressiveness of your kiss that subdued me that night. it was a long rough kiss. it was not the usual soft slow kisses i favoured but the exact opposite and yet i allowed myself to yield to your every whim and want. almost.
memories i should forget. memories i should let go off just like you told me too.
"think of it all as just a dream. good bye ginny."
who even says shit like that anymore? it took you over 2 weeks to finally really stop replying. that had not been your last message to me. the last one had been "ok. love and peace." that is until your housemate probed you into at least saying something about the letter you received. the last message was cold yet civil. an act of someone who didn't want to care but did so just to appease the public. it still sits in my inbox mocking me.
why am i so deadly infactuated by you? how could i be? i refuse to believe that i am in love for i know you are not. i was nothing but a mere crush to you. a crush that had lasted for quite a while in my blind unrealising eyes. you finally had me, and then my appeal is gone. just another conquest.
"time and fate is not on our side."
how can you tell really?
it was fate that made that damn ticket 20 bucks cheaper than what i had made my maximum. i never really intended to go. i just said i'll think about it to silence you for a while. i figured the idea of shopping there hadnt much appealed to me considering how tightly on a budget i was. you told me to come for 2 days. it was fate that made the cheapest tickets a day and a half longer. and it was in that extra day and a half that chaos had ensued.
did fate really play itself out so carelessly or was it my own recklessness that put me in my current disposition? time. we have all the time in the world. wheres your hurry love? because im damned as well willing to wait that extra year out to fly there for even that slight chance of reconcilation.
"just go there. i don't believe he dont care lo when you're right in front of his eyes" your god sister had said. i can't tell if she was just saying that to shut me up or she was giving me actual advice. that's a long time more. i know because i have been counting the days since i left.
i am at a loss at what to do right now. i had a plan all ready in my childish dumb head but my inability to sleep peacefully today has made my plan seem pointless and futile.
i should stop hoping. i should stop believing that you had really cared. i give myself ugly expectations of things to come. painting images of your reaction to my pathethic attempts, each image a clear cut shadow of rejection. each laced with accurate details of your favourite words and that nochalant way you usually answer. every idea, every knowledge tells me to walk away yet everyday my heart still beats in fury everytime a private number appears.
and breaks again everytime because it is never,
never you.
Labels: confessions, emo, nightmares, personal, sad, upset, wordy
Saturday, September 19, 2009
empty. silent. cold. just when i blog about how it no longer hurts that way, i wake up in this surreal emptiness. it does still hurt. this is bullshit.
i dreamt of you last night. again. i dont normally dream of the same person repeatedly over the sequnce of weeks. this time it wasnt a happy one. this one didnt make me miss you. this one made my heart drop and break like red crystal shards smashed against the wall.
promised afternoon dates and plans but now i feel like hiding myself in my room and being left alone to cry.
it hurts. it still breaks me.
i guess im really not that strong.
Labels: confessions, emo, nightmares, personal, pics, upset
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
"...i fancy you..."
do you even know what that word really means? it contradicts the sentence that came before that. i want to laugh at the whole ridiculous idea of it all but instead i cringe everytime someone says your name.
which is ironic.
because suddenly everyone around me is associated with you. people i rarely ever see are now people that appear like mushrooms growing in that damp darkened area. people you see almost everyday when you were back here, yet those people i never got to meet.
i sat in your tattoo artist house yesterday and the number of times your name was repeated could have killed me that day. you were suppose to bring me there in august. thinking about it now its funny because it was a tuesday as well. alot of shit happens on tuesday doesnt it?
"i dont care ginny you're coming with me. youre going to sit there for 6 hours and pui me."
that tuesday i called to ask what time you were coming to get me. and then you told me you forgot to tell me you cant anymore because your car broke down and your friend was getting you. so you left me stranded in college and i never got to go.
over a month later on the same day i sit on the couch in a place i no longer expected to see. it drained me but in a weird way i was happy and i dont even know why.
i took my first afternoon nap in quite a while today. it wasnt such a smart idea. i woke up feeling as shit as i did the day you stopped replying. and the moment i woke up i felt naked somehow. totally bare, as fragile as glass and then i remembered the way you had held me before. and like a piece of shortbread, i crumbled.
i miss you.
and i wish i could forget.
Labels: confessions, emo, personal, sad, upset
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
today is a tuesday.
it was on a tuesday i sat watching you sleep without a single thought in my mind. or so i had apparently thought until i started crying and sort of almost woke u up. at least it was a tuesday night almost wednesday i know but thats besides the point.
it suddenly started raining.
and i am reminded of your look when the stupid umbrella flipped itself that day. you went to the mini mart, would you call it a mini mart? im not sure. but you went to buy lights and i was pacing around the house.
you could have left me there with your house mate and not say anything but you asked me if i wanted to take a walk with you and without even realising i answered yes and was given that faulty umbrella you proved very much amused at.
i dont normally agree to walks in the rain, especially not when it's nice and warm inside so why did i say yes?
3 weeks now and you're still playing games in my head.
Labels: confessions, emo, personal, reminders
Sunday, September 13, 2009
it's been over 2 weeks now of tearful mornings and that uneasy discomfort of the unsettled heart. arrival of such depressive air comes from my awakening each hazy morning. that and the wee hours before i am able to tire myself enough to fall asleep.
the picture of my smile above feels almost painful to watch because it is now masked with feelings of your contradicting words of lost care.
today is sunday.
this picture was taken on a sunday.
you brought me there.
Labels: camwhore, confessions, emo, personal, pics, reminders, upset
Saturday, September 12, 2009
"really? hey, wanna go next year?"
"seriously ah? for what? no money wei"
"Fifa 2010 is in Africa next year. you can take a plane from KL and i'll take one from here and i'll meet you there k?"
"HAHAHAHA FIFA? you're kidding right?"
"aiyohhh Ginny, i never ask you watch with me right. while im watching the game you can go do your shopping or something la!
*~*~*~*~*~*
at that moment those words never meant a thing to me. i took it as a joke, something i would brush off and forget in the next instant because who am i kidding? there's no way i can save up enough to actually go there. And then there's the question of you. Would you really crazily enough fly all the way there just to watch some matches considering how busy you claim to apparently be.
how unexpected that i would suddenly remember this now. i wonder if you do? i wonder if you even remember anything you've ever said to me at all.
those whispered words i pretended not to hear or acknowledge.
and it stings.
because everyday a new forgotten memory appears and everyday i look at my phone willing for you to call knowing how stupid the whole idea of it even is.
because deep down i know, i was never really of any importance to you after all. just a passer by you see every once in a while. =')
and like the child that i am, i still sit here hoping.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
i called you today.i rarely have the guts to press dial. your voicemail answered me. i've never heard your voicemail before but it left a weird kind of sadness today. it wasnt the voice i was used to hearing but the voice i last heard. tired, cold and unhappy.
i miss hearing you call my name and that funny way you drag your words and thank yous. i miss the way your eyes sparkle when you laugh at my mishaps despite the fact you always insist that you're not laughing.
im thinking about that day when i walked past what one would consider one of my favourite brands without a second glance and you stood a few metres in front. you stopped, turned around and snickered while i continued to walk straight on. "eh? why arent your eyes glowing like they usually do when you want something?" were the words that escaped your mouth.
i rolled my eyes and said there was nothing of interest, only to stop in front of the pet shop you very quickly walked past. i clung to the window and stared at that little ball of fur and squealed like the kid i was "CAN WE BRING IT HOME?!" and you answered the way u always did to my overly naive demands. "haha, no ginny im not going to take care of it and it's going to die. anyway my apartment doesnt allow pets." you never did call me anything other than my name but it was always the way you said it that remains imprinted in my dumb head.
i miss you still.
and it's amazing how everyday i can still cry.
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
"wheres your new bf? u not very heng damn fast got new bf wan meh?"
funny how those words came from u that day but like the way u knew me, those words were true werent they? totally irrelevant to anything but those words keep replaying themselves over and over again in my head. why?
"...i can't let my feelings control me right now..."
then why did u let it before? why didnt u shut the fuck up and leave me be like u apparently had all this while before? i thought u knew my stories well enough inside out to know how it would play out somehow. did u think this time it would be any different or did u think this time i would take it all as a game?
"...i think you should just forget about this relationship..."
haha. funny. what relationship? you never really established one did you? and like as stupid as it all seems, so why? why am i still hurting from all those words u said and those short lived memories you left?
"none ginny. i swear. only you..."
i laughed when you said that.corny as hell i swear. and then i didnt believe you. turned around and pretended i didnt hear but you continued and i found it hard not to trust you. yet now i find it so unbelievable because if i were, you wouldnt have left me to cry now ...would you? and now replaying those words in my head, it's because its so corny it sounds so artificial now somehow.
so many more things that keep repeating themselves in my head. so many more words, so many more actions. and everytime one runs by, the sting of your abandonment lashes across my beating heart and tears spring out like the day you sent me those last few messages. "im sorry, its all my fault. just forget about me, i'll never bother you again." or what i thought would have been your last messages. but no, they werent.
"you will always have a place with me but ..."
lies. they feel like such lies. they feel like words said just to try and save yourself.
i can' tell whats fiction from truth anymore. i can't tell who you are or who i am to you. or what i even was. and i wish i could hate you. but it's fucked up how after all those instant replays and insecurities left to seep into the cracks of your mind games, i dont. and instead i miss you like it was just yesterday you held me close.
Labels: confessions, emo, personal, reminders, stupidity, upset, wordy
Friday, September 04, 2009
that i would end up falling down so hard or do what i never anticipated myself to do."that's what you think I want to be
cry, cry for you
an empty heart that sees me through
cry, cry for you
cry, cry for you
just like you knew I wouldn't do
cry cry for you
just like a song in the last light
cry, cry for you"
i should hate u right now. hate u for how you chose to abandon me. but i can't. and then i realise. maybe it's because what i never admitted to you would actually come true. maybe, just maybe i've fallen in love with you.
cry, cry for you"
i should hate u right now. hate u for how you chose to abandon me. but i can't. and then i realise. maybe it's because what i never admitted to you would actually come true. maybe, just maybe i've fallen in love with you.
Thursday, September 03, 2009
today none of them shows up and none of them are answering my calls.
"Everybody seems so far away from me
Everybody just wants to be free
Look away from the sky
Its no different when youre leaving home "
I'm not upset. Just somewhat heartbroken. Sometimes i think i really hate this place.
i hate waking up not having anyone beside me to hold on too or give me a smile and then a kiss on my forehead or the bridge of my nose.
i dreamt of you last night. i woke up with a restless heart and tears in my eyes. it was a good dream. happy. but now the memory of it burns because you're not here when i open my eyes and reach out.
and the clumsy princess who's eyes apparently sparkle when there's something she wants is left dull eyed and broken in the heart of KL.
Labels: confessions, emo, nightmares, personal, sad, upset
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
maybe its KL or maybe it's just me. on holiday i thought abt exams and studying and how if im planning on going to Sydney for study break i'd lug my books along with me. Coming back i just found out classes started yesterday when i thought it was next week and all my head can go is FML. im skipping class this week. screw it.
im hungry.
where's everyone.
why does KL feel so empty all of a sudden. it's pretty lonely here isnt it. now that i really think about it.
" Tell me what is on your mind
Help me 'cause I'd like to know
What the hell is going on
Never thought I'd sing this song
Let's not get started with the he said she said
Sometimes it just doesn't go as planned "
never thought i'd start crying so early with my life back here. I've always loved KL, i still do but right now i want to be anywhere else but here.
Walking on the streets where nobody knows me and i know nobody. Ciggie in hand and tears running down my face nobody's gonna give a flying fuck out there. And sometimes i guess that's the way i like it.
I want to sit out there on those rocks facing the sea and just let time pass by me. Or lie in the grass and stare at the sky like i had all the time in the world with that warm sun splashed across my skin while that gentle breeze plays with my hair and tickles my smiling face.
KL no longer feels like home.
Labels: confessions, emo, lyrics, personal, sad, upset, wordy
Monday, August 31, 2009
Do you know how much pain im going through right now?
Do you?
Do you even know how much tears i have spilled for you?
" why you come here during rainy season? damn bad luck lor you " - Eveline
haha. the irony. everytime it rains here i cry.
just take me back in time. to say the words i had to say and to do those things i wished i did. i just needed a little more time.
" go talk to him about it now la!. don't regret later k? " - Xind
i am incapable of talking about it. not because i dont want to but because i can't. im afraid. i was afraid and i think this time maybe it's too late.
Labels: angry, confessions, emo, personal, sad, upset, wordy
Friday, August 28, 2009
in the 3 days i have been here i have refused to step out of this house going out only once to the city yesterday. after 2 hours i was exhausted and all i felt like doing was going back home to cry under the covers.
the weather isnt really that bad but for some reason i seem to have lost my smile.
last night, i snapped at a very close friend of mine. he's always been quite a dickhead but not in a bad way kind just the i trust you enough and i know you dont mind so i can be this way kind of thing. ive always been fine with it just laughing it off but last night i snapped.
my mood was so shit i hade a sushi roll for lunch and nothing else. amazing really considering how much i've been eating since i got to australia and how it's winter. that and a cookie bryan bought me in sydney in hopes that it would cheer me up. triple chocolate fudge, definitely sounds like something that would cheer anyone up huh. it was a good cookie just like he said but it did nothing for me but miss Sydney even more.
i fell asleep upset, hungry and pissed off.
and today i woke up feeling the same.
i remember feeling something like this the last time i was in melbourne. i wonder why. maybe this place and me just dont get along very well.
right now, all i want to do is sit under the showers and cry my eyes out.
Labels: confessions, emo, personal, upset
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
i hadnt expected the tears to hit me that fast or that hard but from the walk outside into the terminal and onto the plane my tears did not stop. and i cried myself to sleep on that plane staring at the lights of the city that stole my heart.
i remember crying the night before but no one noticed. staring at the ceiling i felt the sheets around me get damp as my breathing got harder. i got up, took a look around the room i had been staying in and walked down to that sofa i loved and spent much hours just stoning at.
there i sat curled up staring at the red or pink lights bryan so conveniently pointed out knowing how attracted to pink i apparently am and thought to myself why the hell am i even crying over something as dumb as leaving a city like Sydney. and then it hit me and i cried so hard i could barely breathe.
how do u cry so much after being in a place for just a mere 3 days?
theres so much more i want to say but i guess there really isnt much left to say really.
i left a part of my heart in sydney and right now i dont even know how the hell am i going to get it back.
time to snap back into reality princess.
Labels: confessions, emo, personal, stupidity, upset