..Click Click Click..
So i finally got around to sorta finishing my layout. still a bit buggy here and there but im not free now la! later la ;p
Oh and if my layout is wonky on your browser its probabaly because your browsers old "=_= go update it.
..The Princess..
I am the very sin of life itself, living in a world and civilization i deem unworthy of the many now ruined perfection it was blessed with. The social
anti-social i be but thats another part of me you will
eventually see or hope to see.
I suffer from a bipolar disorder and can feel extreme happiness and sadness in the most disturbing of manner. Manic depressive some often call me or "emo
girl" for short.
But who am i really?
That girl on the street you thought was hot or perhaps that girl you laughed at the day before.
What you see is your perception of me but what you know is something that even i find much a mystery.
Yes that is me in the picture and yes that is a pink cigarette i'm holding but no i'm not a smoker. But believe what you may for doubts will inevitably
be existant.
..She Supports..
..Talk..
..Credits..
I'm Ginny; girly, emotional, rough and fundamentally retarded. Oh, mustn't forget extremely lazy and amazing at procrastination as well and err...well, clumsy (don't ask). The surname's Yap and no my full name isn't really necessary in introductions. Arrogant, stubborn and well, what more might you ask?
IM AWESOME. Nuff said.
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Monday, October 12, 2009
you say i have the same look. you always tell me to stop looking at you that way yet your eyes showed signs of approval and you always ended it with a shy laugh. i never got what u meant, at least not until it was just that little too late.
i havent dreamt of you in over a month. last night was a painful blow. i have not smiled today. and i cried again in the car. i can't tell if it's the music i've been listening to or the way the sky seems to remain downcast but today has been nothing short of a dazed blue monday.
i miss you
still.
Labels: confessions, emo, personal, sad, upset
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
i was in good company at midnight today, in good spirits in fact but slowly i could feel this tugging sensation in my heart and that annoying akward restlessness overcame. i was not tired i know but i could not bear to be in the presence of people i cared dearly for at 3 this morning. in the car on the empty roads my tears spilled like liquid crystals while i screamed the lyrics of every sad love song that came on the radio.
my house was still alive, people playing mahjong and watching tv. how unusual. at that hour it was usually dead quiet and i entered silent with a hard face; so much that no one as much as even bothered to say their usual exchange of formalities. they could tell i wanted to be alone. not even a whim from her on my arrival home at such an obscene hour.
occupy yourself screamed my head. i buried myself in my blankets and pulled my latest book open after a mere an hour on the internet. i shouldnt read such books. books that start with lust, continues in anguish and abandonment but ends in happy smiles. it gives me false hope. hopes that i know should not even exist.
it nearing 7. stop i told myself you have to go to bed and get up early for a lunch date.
i awoke 3 times in less than 4 hours dreaming that you had called. called to ask if i still wanted to come for christmas like how i had originally intended and you had unthinkinly said okay. repeated flips of the phone and an empty screen stared back and the unmoving flicker of the time left me dumbfounded and in shock. i had not slept, not really.
now only semi conscious and my tired mind in a flurry of confused emotions i am unable to go back to sleep. i close my eyes and there the image of you propped up against me with your head cocked to one side observing my reaction to your words stare back at me.
"what if i kiss you?"
you hadnt even given me a chance to think or react. i had barely even opened my mouth to answer you before you placed your lips possessively over mine. it was the sheer aggressiveness of your kiss that subdued me that night. it was a long rough kiss. it was not the usual soft slow kisses i favoured but the exact opposite and yet i allowed myself to yield to your every whim and want. almost.
memories i should forget. memories i should let go off just like you told me too.
"think of it all as just a dream. good bye ginny."
who even says shit like that anymore? it took you over 2 weeks to finally really stop replying. that had not been your last message to me. the last one had been "ok. love and peace." that is until your housemate probed you into at least saying something about the letter you received. the last message was cold yet civil. an act of someone who didn't want to care but did so just to appease the public. it still sits in my inbox mocking me.
why am i so deadly infactuated by you? how could i be? i refuse to believe that i am in love for i know you are not. i was nothing but a mere crush to you. a crush that had lasted for quite a while in my blind unrealising eyes. you finally had me, and then my appeal is gone. just another conquest.
"time and fate is not on our side."
how can you tell really?
it was fate that made that damn ticket 20 bucks cheaper than what i had made my maximum. i never really intended to go. i just said i'll think about it to silence you for a while. i figured the idea of shopping there hadnt much appealed to me considering how tightly on a budget i was. you told me to come for 2 days. it was fate that made the cheapest tickets a day and a half longer. and it was in that extra day and a half that chaos had ensued.
did fate really play itself out so carelessly or was it my own recklessness that put me in my current disposition? time. we have all the time in the world. wheres your hurry love? because im damned as well willing to wait that extra year out to fly there for even that slight chance of reconcilation.
"just go there. i don't believe he dont care lo when you're right in front of his eyes" your god sister had said. i can't tell if she was just saying that to shut me up or she was giving me actual advice. that's a long time more. i know because i have been counting the days since i left.
i am at a loss at what to do right now. i had a plan all ready in my childish dumb head but my inability to sleep peacefully today has made my plan seem pointless and futile.
i should stop hoping. i should stop believing that you had really cared. i give myself ugly expectations of things to come. painting images of your reaction to my pathethic attempts, each image a clear cut shadow of rejection. each laced with accurate details of your favourite words and that nochalant way you usually answer. every idea, every knowledge tells me to walk away yet everyday my heart still beats in fury everytime a private number appears.
and breaks again everytime because it is never,
never you.
Labels: confessions, emo, nightmares, personal, sad, upset, wordy
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
"...i fancy you..."
do you even know what that word really means? it contradicts the sentence that came before that. i want to laugh at the whole ridiculous idea of it all but instead i cringe everytime someone says your name.
which is ironic.
because suddenly everyone around me is associated with you. people i rarely ever see are now people that appear like mushrooms growing in that damp darkened area. people you see almost everyday when you were back here, yet those people i never got to meet.
i sat in your tattoo artist house yesterday and the number of times your name was repeated could have killed me that day. you were suppose to bring me there in august. thinking about it now its funny because it was a tuesday as well. alot of shit happens on tuesday doesnt it?
"i dont care ginny you're coming with me. youre going to sit there for 6 hours and pui me."
that tuesday i called to ask what time you were coming to get me. and then you told me you forgot to tell me you cant anymore because your car broke down and your friend was getting you. so you left me stranded in college and i never got to go.
over a month later on the same day i sit on the couch in a place i no longer expected to see. it drained me but in a weird way i was happy and i dont even know why.
i took my first afternoon nap in quite a while today. it wasnt such a smart idea. i woke up feeling as shit as i did the day you stopped replying. and the moment i woke up i felt naked somehow. totally bare, as fragile as glass and then i remembered the way you had held me before. and like a piece of shortbread, i crumbled.
i miss you.
and i wish i could forget.
Labels: confessions, emo, personal, sad, upset
Saturday, September 12, 2009
"really? hey, wanna go next year?"
"seriously ah? for what? no money wei"
"Fifa 2010 is in Africa next year. you can take a plane from KL and i'll take one from here and i'll meet you there k?"
"HAHAHAHA FIFA? you're kidding right?"
"aiyohhh Ginny, i never ask you watch with me right. while im watching the game you can go do your shopping or something la!
*~*~*~*~*~*
at that moment those words never meant a thing to me. i took it as a joke, something i would brush off and forget in the next instant because who am i kidding? there's no way i can save up enough to actually go there. And then there's the question of you. Would you really crazily enough fly all the way there just to watch some matches considering how busy you claim to apparently be.
how unexpected that i would suddenly remember this now. i wonder if you do? i wonder if you even remember anything you've ever said to me at all.
those whispered words i pretended not to hear or acknowledge.
and it stings.
because everyday a new forgotten memory appears and everyday i look at my phone willing for you to call knowing how stupid the whole idea of it even is.
because deep down i know, i was never really of any importance to you after all. just a passer by you see every once in a while. =')
and like the child that i am, i still sit here hoping.
Friday, September 04, 2009
that i would end up falling down so hard or do what i never anticipated myself to do."that's what you think I want to be
cry, cry for you
an empty heart that sees me through
cry, cry for you
cry, cry for you
just like you knew I wouldn't do
cry cry for you
just like a song in the last light
cry, cry for you"
i should hate u right now. hate u for how you chose to abandon me. but i can't. and then i realise. maybe it's because what i never admitted to you would actually come true. maybe, just maybe i've fallen in love with you.
cry, cry for you"
i should hate u right now. hate u for how you chose to abandon me. but i can't. and then i realise. maybe it's because what i never admitted to you would actually come true. maybe, just maybe i've fallen in love with you.
Thursday, September 03, 2009
i hate waking up not having anyone beside me to hold on too or give me a smile and then a kiss on my forehead or the bridge of my nose.
i dreamt of you last night. i woke up with a restless heart and tears in my eyes. it was a good dream. happy. but now the memory of it burns because you're not here when i open my eyes and reach out.
and the clumsy princess who's eyes apparently sparkle when there's something she wants is left dull eyed and broken in the heart of KL.
Labels: confessions, emo, nightmares, personal, sad, upset
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
maybe its KL or maybe it's just me. on holiday i thought abt exams and studying and how if im planning on going to Sydney for study break i'd lug my books along with me. Coming back i just found out classes started yesterday when i thought it was next week and all my head can go is FML. im skipping class this week. screw it.
im hungry.
where's everyone.
why does KL feel so empty all of a sudden. it's pretty lonely here isnt it. now that i really think about it.
" Tell me what is on your mind
Help me 'cause I'd like to know
What the hell is going on
Never thought I'd sing this song
Let's not get started with the he said she said
Sometimes it just doesn't go as planned "
never thought i'd start crying so early with my life back here. I've always loved KL, i still do but right now i want to be anywhere else but here.
Walking on the streets where nobody knows me and i know nobody. Ciggie in hand and tears running down my face nobody's gonna give a flying fuck out there. And sometimes i guess that's the way i like it.
I want to sit out there on those rocks facing the sea and just let time pass by me. Or lie in the grass and stare at the sky like i had all the time in the world with that warm sun splashed across my skin while that gentle breeze plays with my hair and tickles my smiling face.
KL no longer feels like home.
Labels: confessions, emo, lyrics, personal, sad, upset, wordy
Monday, August 31, 2009
Do you know how much pain im going through right now?
Do you?
Do you even know how much tears i have spilled for you?
" why you come here during rainy season? damn bad luck lor you " - Eveline
haha. the irony. everytime it rains here i cry.
just take me back in time. to say the words i had to say and to do those things i wished i did. i just needed a little more time.
" go talk to him about it now la!. don't regret later k? " - Xind
i am incapable of talking about it. not because i dont want to but because i can't. im afraid. i was afraid and i think this time maybe it's too late.
Labels: angry, confessions, emo, personal, sad, upset, wordy
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
i thought i was stronger than this. i should be stronger than this.
my heads spinning in unanswered questions. questions i dont even realise much less understand.
The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
it's ironic how i was telling my friend he should quit smoking because he was coughing yesterday. he said he stopped for 3-4 years and now there's no more motivation. i think it was more of the fact that everytime he smokes it temps me to just grab the fucken thing from his hands and take that long deep puff. i have reached breaking down point. not good. not good at all.
i've been neglecting a lot of things lately, i guess the animals suffer the most when im at this stage. i need to snap out of this.
i have more male friends than female friends. is that so hard to accept?
and why the hell are ppl that have been MIA from my life over the past 2 years starting to come look for me again. i hate ulterior motives, it pisses me off. i dont need someone to sweep me off my feet, especially not someone whom just walks up and leave whenever im attached.
i want to fucken smash things right now. hello myviolent friend, it's been a while.
Labels: angry, annoyed, confessions, emo, musings, personal, rants, sad, stupidity, upset, wordy
Monday, July 27, 2009
dont know what i want to say.
but around the merry go round of tears we go again.
Friday, July 24, 2009
you on the other hand are nowhere to be found. or maybe just avoiding me i guess, like how you do everytime the weekend rolls around. i tell myself to stop, i tell myself it's not worth it but in the end i just continue to let myself drop.
sarah mclachlan's voice kind of breaks a person when one is in such a state doesnt it?
i've been thrown back into the playing field, new people all around yet the one i want is the one that's out of bounds. fate has it's funny ways of spreading itself out.
sometimes i wish i really wasnt so nice. always doing things within it's boundaries. having my conscience scream at me everytime i think of doing something that might make my heart skip a mile.
right now im shattered, shattered like the fragile shards of glass thrown straight to the ground.
Labels: angry, confessions, emo, personal, sad, stupidity, upset, wordy
Monday, July 20, 2009
once again in my eyes i see the sight of gleaming metal and those pretty crimson lines. even the imagined sight of it puts a little smile at the side of my lips. perhaps i really am deranged.
i thought i was prepared. i thought i saw it coming.
but all i did was hurt everyone in it.
i dissappointed those that loved me most, ignored their acquisitions of what they had perceived of my pathethic little situation. i knew what they said were true, i knew the outcome of it; yet still i chose to go along.
why was i do dumb?
why didnt i swim away the way i knew i should have? why did i let myself drown in such an undignified way?
last night, i lost myself.
this morning, i am someone else.
Labels: angry, confessions, emo, nightmares, personal, sad, upset, wordy
Sunday, July 12, 2009
sometimes we do things unintentionally and then there is that fear of regret, yet we continue to do it anyway as if it's okay to continue even after knowing how bad things could turn out.
im not entirely sure what it is that i want to say but my tears right now shouldnt even flow considering what it is i have just said.
empty.
thats it, i feel empty right now.
lost in my own sea of complicted lies.
i guess my one of my previous post kinda jinxed me huh?
emo gin is very unfortunately back.
Labels: angry, confessions, emo, musings, personal, sad, stupidity, upset
Monday, July 06, 2009
it's not that i hate my classes, it's not that i hate being in class. it's the whole idea of it that denies me my freedom and acceptance to even want to go back to it all. it really isnt about being lazy either its about doing something i know i really have lost the passion for; a dead end at a frozen trail and all i see is this monochromed lie thats slowly burying me inside.
holidays are meant to be good for you but what happens when you never really recover from it?
my next tattoo is a suicidal fairy straped to a revolver, unladylike and fierce; a piece i fell instantly in love with yet had no proper meaning to. it just stared back at me begging to be imprinted, with words "think happy thoughts" in place of the model of the revolver. it felt so me somehow yet brought no reason or that 100% clarity of being a permanant mark on my body that time around. classes have started and i fear depression setting it; it is right now that it brings a deeper sense of being somehow. i think this week will be a good time to get it done.
i just want to run away from it all, run away from the expectations of others and live my life happy and free. "you and everyone else" i hear the words scream back in my head. but i guess im not as strong as everyone else is now then am i? im not that girl with ambition or drive to make something of herself and like many other people i have become a downcast in the cruel eyes of mankind and the society we have been brought up in.
on the bus my thai friend asked, "why are you called emo girl? i know you so long and you like happy all the time only?" it's true, i've been quite the carefree child over the months of skipping classes and doing things i want but today, right now, in the midst of forcing myself to get ready for class i sit here in front of this lighted screen and finally after months, break down.
Labels: body art, confessions, emo, personal, sad, study, upset, wordy
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
now here's the thing. i am a krispy kreme addict and i travel at least once a year to somewhere with krispy kreme or at least people always bring them back to me. I DO NOT LIKE overly sweet things and i think krisky kremes original glazing IS PERFECT. hell, i think big apple and j co's ones are too damn sweet for me.
the first time i finally tried it in KL was at times square and by luck they were giving out free HOT ones like they do in every other country which was an amazing surprise to me because i pretty much thought malaysians would do it their way and forget the krispy kreme courtesy. well fuck me, i've only seen this happen once in KL so i guess it was a short lived thing.
but i was quite dissapointed after ordering my doughnut. it came cold. something i have never encountered anywhere else. krispy kremes logo is a neon sign and it says come in for rolling hot doughnuts or something along that lines which means it is a MUST that the doughnuts you are served are hot or at least acceptably warm. i ignored this.
last week at mid valley my doughnuts were cold again. today a friend told me her story and she is an even bigger addict that me. it was the first time in her life she couldnt finish her doughnut. why? well. apparently the doughnut was cold and hard and the sugar was flacky pointing out they were not using the proper sugar but cheap ones instead hence the overly sweetness of the doughnuts.
she then requested they heat up the doughnut and they answered her with they have no microwave. THIS IS NEW. like wtf. how can u not have a microwave? so all the while the doughnuts have been served cold?? so she asked if she could have a new FRESh doughnut and thye told her no because there were no fresh doughnuts available.
oh my, does that mean krispy kreme malaysia has been using left over doughnuts?? because apparently a lot of people who have brought them home, after leaving it overnight the doughnut sugar becomes hard and flakes off while the doughnuts harden.
krispy kreme has a reputation of being able to keep its dougnuts refrigerated for over 3 months and once heated up remains just as soft. heck, even if you dont pop it in the microwave you leave it out for a minute or two and it's still pretty soft and the sugars still nice and glossy.
sigh. why oh why malaysia did you do this to my beloved?
Labels: angry, annoyed, desserts, food, rants, sad, tragedies, wordy
sitting in the cinema next to someone who used to be much dear to me i started thinking, that's weird, it feels like just a few weeks ago we were sneaking into the cinema in our uniforms with a shirt over our tops.claiming our skirts were matching because we like wearing the same stuff, sneaking in because most of the movies were 18 rated. and when all else fails, puppy dog eyes does wonders when no one else is looking =)
i am now 19. it's been that long and as cliche as it always goes i cant help but wonder where exactly did all that time go.
and if we really look into things, nothing much has changed. in 8 months time i will be 20. strange, i still feel like im 15 minus the excessive alcohol and clubbing. that and the ability to live on 2-3 hours of sleep everyday. age really is catching up with me. hell, im not even old and my body behaves like im middle aged.
i cant say i miss my high school years much but i know i did miss middle school. hours were spent with them reminding me of my 12-13 year old self of climbing over walls and sneaking bfs out of the house; most of which i had totally forgotten about but unconsciously managed to put a smile on my face with each memory that came flooding back. yes, i was quite the 12 year old.
drama years have long but faded, but i never really did grow up all these years did i?. things done in the past would no doubt be repeated in coming years and sometimes i wish i never did grow up so fast. i wasnt much of a kid was i? i spent my time doing things i should have done years later, not that there are any regrets but years of repeated situations somehow brings quite the impact on one doesnt it?
where did my childhood go?
Labels: confessions, musings, personal, sad, wordy
Thursday, June 18, 2009
The local government ordered the mass slaughter of all dogs as the result of a few cases of rabies deaths. Dog killing squads are stalking the streets, mercilessly beating dogs to death with sticks and rocks.
Friendly dogs - even healthy family pets - are being slaughtered right in front of their owners. Can you even begin to imagine how you'd feel if that happened to your dog?
sorry i dont have the mood to post the pictures up but here are some descriptions.
Some of the pictures from culls like these are so horrifying that I can't even show them to you. And I hate having to describe this, but I think you need to know the truth about what's happening.
In one series of pictures, several small and fluffy white dogs - you can just tell they're used to snuggling on the laps of their loving owners - are trapped in a makeshift cage. One by one, the dogs are pulled out with a pair of long metal tongs, and brutally beaten with a stick. And then - even though it appears that some of the dogs may still be alive - they're tossed into a pit to be burned.
Please click here to contact the Chinese Ambassador in your country to call for an end to mass slaughters like this and to encourage China to pass legislation that protects all animals, including companion animals.
Labels: abuse, angry, animals, dogs, nightmares, sad, trauma, upset
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
Rachael Yamagata - Sunday AfternoonIt's a choice
to stay
It's a dream
& I wanna wake
You have blood on your hands
and I'm feeling faint
And honey
You can't decide
I'm a drug
Ya don't wanna give up
Smoke your cigarettes
Make your love
You poured blood in my heart
and I can't get enough
I'm drowning, drowning
and you can't decide
It's not about geography, or happenstance
you need to fly, & take a chance
You don't need to soar to emptiness
Float on high, & forever dance alone
Your scared, scared, scared
cuz I feel like home
Hear your voice
Knew right away
If you were here
your eyes would say
There is blood on my feet
as I'm walking away
Rivers are red
Its starting to rain
I'm not gonna live for you
or die for you
Won't do anything anymore for you
Cuz you leave me here on the other side
You leave me here on the other side
Not gonna shed one more tear for you
shed one more tear for you
I'm not gonna shed one more tear for you
At least not til Sunday Afternoon
Sunday Afternoon
Leave or Stay
Leave or Stay
to stay
It's a dream
& I wanna wake
You have blood on your hands
and I'm feeling faint
And honey
You can't decide
I'm a drug
Ya don't wanna give up
Smoke your cigarettes
Make your love
You poured blood in my heart
and I can't get enough
I'm drowning, drowning
and you can't decide
It's not about geography, or happenstance
you need to fly, & take a chance
You don't need to soar to emptiness
Float on high, & forever dance alone
Your scared, scared, scared
cuz I feel like home
Hear your voice
Knew right away
If you were here
your eyes would say
There is blood on my feet
as I'm walking away
Rivers are red
Its starting to rain
I'm not gonna live for you
or die for you
Won't do anything anymore for you
Cuz you leave me here on the other side
You leave me here on the other side
Not gonna shed one more tear for you
shed one more tear for you
I'm not gonna shed one more tear for you
At least not til Sunday Afternoon
Sunday Afternoon
Leave or Stay
Leave or Stay
Rachael Yamagata - What if I Leave
Oh why don't you call
When you say you will my dear
Is it because I don't belong to you
Anymore
And why don't you come
When you say you will my dear
Do you really think it will work out wrong
Oh and you've been lost
And I've been saved
Is that what comes from giving away
Maybe in time you will come back along
To greet me
What if I leave?
What if I leave?
What if I leave?
What if I leave?
Why don't you call?
Don't you miss me at all?
Left a long long time ago
To where the weather was better
For his kind
Why won't you play?
You've gone and left your face
I may be a fool all along
But I never understood these rules
Oh and every street calls your name
A whispering ghost of neighborhood flame
Maybe in time you will wake up to find you're free
What if I leave?
What if I leave?
What if I leave?
What if I leave?
So I grow up longing for another
With the windy city left behind to my lover
Will you ever know the way I cry
You were gone that day, so you may have missed
My goodbye
Oh, and sometimes in my dreams I hear you say
"If you really care you won't go away"
What if I leave?
What if I leave?
What if I leave?
What if I leave?
What if I leave?
What if I leave?
What if I leave?
What if I leave?
Friday, May 29, 2009
I want that A but i obviously dont want it enough. The more i think about it the more upset i am that i took this course instead of my original decision to do journalism. I cant believe i let my parents push me that far. Oh well, engineering still does sound interesting but seriously? how much longer is my attention span even going to last me.
i finally got a much needed sleep of almost 8 hours after my 48 hours insanity. i am still very tired. but in about 3 hours time my presence will be expected somewhere i dont even see the point in being. at night, i am still in confusion whether to be there or to stay home and pretend to study which we all know ends up with me on msn being distracted by stupid natalie. pfft.
why am i going to a charity event instead of going to personally meet steve aoki is a freaking mystery. i want to squirm out of this so badly =(
oh god, my eyes cant stay open.
Labels: angry, emo, personal, rants, sad, tragedies, upset, wordy