..Click Click Click..
So i finally got around to sorta finishing my layout. still a bit buggy here and there but im not free now la! later la ;p
Oh and if my layout is wonky on your browser its probabaly because your browsers old "=_= go update it.
..The Princess..
I am the very sin of life itself, living in a world and civilization i deem unworthy of the many now ruined perfection it was blessed with. The social
anti-social i be but thats another part of me you will
eventually see or hope to see.
I suffer from a bipolar disorder and can feel extreme happiness and sadness in the most disturbing of manner. Manic depressive some often call me or "emo
girl" for short.
But who am i really?
That girl on the street you thought was hot or perhaps that girl you laughed at the day before.
What you see is your perception of me but what you know is something that even i find much a mystery.
Yes that is me in the picture and yes that is a pink cigarette i'm holding but no i'm not a smoker. But believe what you may for doubts will inevitably
be existant.
..She Supports..
..Talk..
..Credits..
I'm Ginny; girly, emotional, rough and fundamentally retarded. Oh, mustn't forget extremely lazy and amazing at procrastination as well and err...well, clumsy (don't ask). The surname's Yap and no my full name isn't really necessary in introductions. Arrogant, stubborn and well, what more might you ask?
IM AWESOME. Nuff said.
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Sunday, September 27, 2009
one being the fact that i finally drove after over 2 years of first getting my license. it was your words that probed at it. words that were said ages ago but somehow made me want to try. "when are you going to drive me around! i dont care man. the next time i'm back in kl im going to call and say ginnnnyyyyyyy i want to eat and you will come and fetch me." why those words would have any effect on me is beyond my comprehension but fact of the fact is, i finally drove.
the second being that i have unseemingly decided that i will at least attempt to go for classes and graduate with pretty decent results in order to get to you. admittedly i am still skimping classes but i no longer use lack of transportation as an excuse and have successfully gone for more than 2 days of classes in a week. my lack of attendance in moral studies is starting to prove to be rather perplexing as i think i have been barred but have yet to be told. i am fearful that i will have to go through the whole rubbish course again. this is very disheartening because it takes me one step furthur away from you. that and the fact that my lecturer is homophobic which does not at all amuse me one bit.
the third being that during working hours time passes faster because i am so preoccupied with the words MUST MAKE MORE MONEY TO GO THERE. not that i have that many jobs but so far whatever has come my way had not been as bad as i had anticipated. and my accounts are not dwindling away as quickly as they used to. in fact i have just about enough for a trip there when i feel like it. or so i would like to think.
and the fourth. i have started to read again. a trait i had lost long ago. i am now able to go through about 3-400 pages in a day unlike the previous months where after 10 pages or so i would get distracted by something else. although this may not neccesarilly be a silver lining as it means i will end up spending money on books which i deem are getting more and more expensive by the day. nope. not good. not good at all.
had a list of other things to rattle on about but my eyes are tired. so good day to you too.
Labels: confessions, musings, personal, random, reminders, wordy
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
"i'll see you soon k?" was the last thing whispered in my ears at the airport in what felt like the longest most paiful hug i've ever had in a long long time. i couldnt even bring myself to stand up when you looked at me and said "not even a hug?" to which i could only weakly react with a false smile on my face by holding my arms out for one while being still seated on those cold iron chairs.
the minute your sight disappeared i sat alone drowning in my own unhidden sobs while passerbys walked past and gave me a look of knowing and heartfelt understanding.
"i'll see you soon k." had then been repeated on the phone in those little times i had found the courage to call.
yesterday it was different. yesterday u ended it with something almost similiar and i remember you saying it only once when i called while u were having dinner.
"i'll talk to u soon k?" why do u always end my calls that way. they always leave place for questions. it's hard to tell whether it's positive or negative and it claws at me every single time.
see you soon always meant see you soon in the past because the next day or the next few days you would schedule a meal with me. never once had your words ended in false pretense because even if you didnt make it on the intended date you would always make it up to me the next day.
so when does see you soon apply now? it was meant to be december until you unexpectedly blew me off. the money i refused to use in order to buy my air tickets are still kept nicely in a box and stupidly my funds are being thrifted as much as possible in order to add to that. why? i could use it to buy anything else so why am i saving for a trip that's not going to happen? i am blinded. more blinded that i would ever expect myself to be.
so what about talk to you soon. you never ever call except to tell me you're back in KL and to ask if i want to eat. that or when you're outside my house. but you never really liked messages now that i think about it. you always asked me to call instead. you're not going to call me. i know this. were your words meant to encourage me that it's okay for me to call or were u not thinking and those words just came spurting out.
hot cold hot cold.
you're more confusing than i had known you to be.
Labels: confessions, musings, personal, reminders, upset, wordy
Monday, September 21, 2009
the book i was reading today poked needles in my heart and the resemblance of how the intimacy began and abruptly ended made me smile. it was so much like what had happened that night and it's image did both to hurt and to cheer me up.
"i really have feelings for you..."
you told me this the day i left and then something else a few days back. but i believe in these words a whole deal more. those replayed images might have betrayed me but i remember with every distinct detail how possesively you held my hand to sleep and how tightly u held me close. along with those whispered mumbles i pretended not to hear just so you would repeat them again in your sleepy stupor.
and then there were those moments where i turned and snuggled myself on your chest and automatically your arms would close themselves around me and a smile played on your lips.
but what i remembered most was the time i played the ps3 and i got so agitated i wanted to throw the control at the screen. all of a sudden u sat down next to me and put your head on my shoulder in that strange manja way i've never seen you behave. i didnt know how to react so i ignored you and continued playing but still there was a look of utter content that stayed on your face even when in the end all it got you was a pat on the head. that was your one random manja moment with me and i cant help but feel helpless at the thought of losing you even as a friend.
was i really that easy to let go and forget? or does it hurt you when i call? you're so puzzling sometimes. indecisively so.
you have really smooth skin. did you know that? that was what went through my mind the first time my hand held your bare back.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
i thought my feelings had almost entirely evaporated yet i find myself still constantly checking your msn and facebook statuses. today's one struck a chord in my heart strings and i felt this familiar sensation sting the back of my eyes.
i want to call you and tell you i miss you.
yet somehow i think you're much happier right now and i would hate myself if somehow i took those newfound happiness away from you.
but really, i do miss you and yes, i do still love you.
Labels: confessions, personal, reminders, wordy
Saturday, September 19, 2009
over 12 hours in their company and i know im going to miss them like crazy when they leave.
it was an interesting day; flash floods, blinking street lights and the repetition of the numbers 22 and 222 way too many times.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
home again i stood in the shower covered in foam and i stared at my reddish pink shower gel.
"you like pink right?"
i never really realised but its funny how you knew because i never really said or squealed at anything pink in front of you before.or have i? am i really that transparent sometimes?
showers remind me of you.
i woke you up complaining that we were going to be late and you insisted that you wanted to bath. i shrugged it off and when you came out you found me asleep on your bed. then it was your turn to wake me up and you just had to rub it in.
"you see! you wake me up so early and then now you go back to sleep instead!!"
it wasnt sarcastic it wasnt mean, you said it with a smile and i sheepishly buried myself deeper under the warm comfort of your bed. before i could answer you kissed me on my nose and went downstairs to wait.
it doesnt hurt like the feeling of betrayal anymore but every little thing still remind of you and my heart still clenches at the thought.
today, baby boy K and his "canabis" girl sat together reading the book you had bought . i placed it on the shelf untouched for quite a while now because it's sight played out random memories of your presence around. out in the hands of someone else, the book once again reminded me of you. haha what else? coincidently, you happened to buy me the shirt i was wearing today as well.
i guess i never really noticed the impact of you until right now.
almost a month.
you hold the record. and even im amazed at myself.
Labels: confessions, personal, random, reminders, wordy
Thursday, September 17, 2009
and i will push myself to my limits just to see you, even if it will only happen a year later. maybe i might change my mind, probably i will but right now my motivation is you. and until those feelings fade, i will not lose.
Labels: confessions, personal, reminders
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
today is a tuesday.
it was on a tuesday i sat watching you sleep without a single thought in my mind. or so i had apparently thought until i started crying and sort of almost woke u up. at least it was a tuesday night almost wednesday i know but thats besides the point.
it suddenly started raining.
and i am reminded of your look when the stupid umbrella flipped itself that day. you went to the mini mart, would you call it a mini mart? im not sure. but you went to buy lights and i was pacing around the house.
you could have left me there with your house mate and not say anything but you asked me if i wanted to take a walk with you and without even realising i answered yes and was given that faulty umbrella you proved very much amused at.
i dont normally agree to walks in the rain, especially not when it's nice and warm inside so why did i say yes?
3 weeks now and you're still playing games in my head.
Labels: confessions, emo, personal, reminders
Sunday, September 13, 2009
it's been over 2 weeks now of tearful mornings and that uneasy discomfort of the unsettled heart. arrival of such depressive air comes from my awakening each hazy morning. that and the wee hours before i am able to tire myself enough to fall asleep.
the picture of my smile above feels almost painful to watch because it is now masked with feelings of your contradicting words of lost care.
today is sunday.
this picture was taken on a sunday.
you brought me there.
Labels: camwhore, confessions, emo, personal, pics, reminders, upset
so much that at one point i had about 8 of them every day for a week.
2.30 a.m in the morning. supper after concert with self proclaimed bf who normally takes the title 2nd bf and has been promoted to self proclaimed bf no 1 for much obvious reasons. (his whole family thinks we're dating anyway. zzzz.)
so i was staring at my eggs in front of me and i suddenly remembered.
you are probably the only one who will automatically crack open my eggs for me without me asking. heh. one look at my frown and my pathethic attemps to lift the eggs usually does the trick.
even though it has probably only been 2x or 3x. the thought of it still makes me smile.
Labels: confessions, personal, random, reminders
Saturday, September 12, 2009
"really? hey, wanna go next year?"
"seriously ah? for what? no money wei"
"Fifa 2010 is in Africa next year. you can take a plane from KL and i'll take one from here and i'll meet you there k?"
"HAHAHAHA FIFA? you're kidding right?"
"aiyohhh Ginny, i never ask you watch with me right. while im watching the game you can go do your shopping or something la!
*~*~*~*~*~*
at that moment those words never meant a thing to me. i took it as a joke, something i would brush off and forget in the next instant because who am i kidding? there's no way i can save up enough to actually go there. And then there's the question of you. Would you really crazily enough fly all the way there just to watch some matches considering how busy you claim to apparently be.
how unexpected that i would suddenly remember this now. i wonder if you do? i wonder if you even remember anything you've ever said to me at all.
those whispered words i pretended not to hear or acknowledge.
and it stings.
because everyday a new forgotten memory appears and everyday i look at my phone willing for you to call knowing how stupid the whole idea of it even is.
because deep down i know, i was never really of any importance to you after all. just a passer by you see every once in a while. =')
and like the child that i am, i still sit here hoping.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
i called you today.i rarely have the guts to press dial. your voicemail answered me. i've never heard your voicemail before but it left a weird kind of sadness today. it wasnt the voice i was used to hearing but the voice i last heard. tired, cold and unhappy.
i miss hearing you call my name and that funny way you drag your words and thank yous. i miss the way your eyes sparkle when you laugh at my mishaps despite the fact you always insist that you're not laughing.
im thinking about that day when i walked past what one would consider one of my favourite brands without a second glance and you stood a few metres in front. you stopped, turned around and snickered while i continued to walk straight on. "eh? why arent your eyes glowing like they usually do when you want something?" were the words that escaped your mouth.
i rolled my eyes and said there was nothing of interest, only to stop in front of the pet shop you very quickly walked past. i clung to the window and stared at that little ball of fur and squealed like the kid i was "CAN WE BRING IT HOME?!" and you answered the way u always did to my overly naive demands. "haha, no ginny im not going to take care of it and it's going to die. anyway my apartment doesnt allow pets." you never did call me anything other than my name but it was always the way you said it that remains imprinted in my dumb head.
i miss you still.
and it's amazing how everyday i can still cry.
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
"wheres your new bf? u not very heng damn fast got new bf wan meh?"
funny how those words came from u that day but like the way u knew me, those words were true werent they? totally irrelevant to anything but those words keep replaying themselves over and over again in my head. why?
"...i can't let my feelings control me right now..."
then why did u let it before? why didnt u shut the fuck up and leave me be like u apparently had all this while before? i thought u knew my stories well enough inside out to know how it would play out somehow. did u think this time it would be any different or did u think this time i would take it all as a game?
"...i think you should just forget about this relationship..."
haha. funny. what relationship? you never really established one did you? and like as stupid as it all seems, so why? why am i still hurting from all those words u said and those short lived memories you left?
"none ginny. i swear. only you..."
i laughed when you said that.corny as hell i swear. and then i didnt believe you. turned around and pretended i didnt hear but you continued and i found it hard not to trust you. yet now i find it so unbelievable because if i were, you wouldnt have left me to cry now ...would you? and now replaying those words in my head, it's because its so corny it sounds so artificial now somehow.
so many more things that keep repeating themselves in my head. so many more words, so many more actions. and everytime one runs by, the sting of your abandonment lashes across my beating heart and tears spring out like the day you sent me those last few messages. "im sorry, its all my fault. just forget about me, i'll never bother you again." or what i thought would have been your last messages. but no, they werent.
"you will always have a place with me but ..."
lies. they feel like such lies. they feel like words said just to try and save yourself.
i can' tell whats fiction from truth anymore. i can't tell who you are or who i am to you. or what i even was. and i wish i could hate you. but it's fucked up how after all those instant replays and insecurities left to seep into the cracks of your mind games, i dont. and instead i miss you like it was just yesterday you held me close.
Labels: confessions, emo, personal, reminders, stupidity, upset, wordy
Monday, August 10, 2009
we drove down to KL with him constantly clicking next on his mp3 radio thingie insisting that it was bad karma for me to be listening to sad songs in my state. him smoking like a chimney and me not knowing where to go we went to damai and the amount of cars was such a put off. more random driving and he made a joke and went. hey lets go cameron!
and i was like wtf u serious? at this hour. scary wei.
and that is how we ended up in genting starbucks instead. both of us clad in shorts and a thin t shirt paired with slippers.
singing to jay chou i felt tears stream down my face as we drove up in near silence. silence in the sense we were both in our worlds connected only by the random bouts of lyrics we knew. it was refreshing. long car rides, good company and the right mood of music really does ones soul some good.
up in genting we talked, made stupid jokes, laughed, got frustrated and him almost freezing to death.
and i am undeniably grateful for friends like that. thank you for making me smile
i will never look at tortoises and turtles the same way again .___.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
someone even went whoa, the legends back. wtf. what legend? i am now a henessy + apple juice / hennessy + ice cream soda addict
i was happy, i was even happier when you held my hand and pulled me with you despite the fact that she was just standing a few feet away. you said fuck that but i wonder if it came from your heart or was it just you being drunk. amazing how different you can be when you are in the radar of her sight.
that last whisper of good bye and the warmth of your hands on my waist left me like a pool on the floor yet what you did after that shocked me and those that watched. i should have been happy, but you know what? really im not. i wished you were that way without being intoxicated with so much as just a drop...
you probably wont read this, unless i tell you too but thank you for making me smile, even if it was just for that little while.
"Vous rencontrer etait destin, allant bien a votre ami etait un choix, tombant amoureux de vous etait au dela de ma maitrise "
Labels: confessions, emo, events, happy, personal, reminders, wordy, work
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
the glimmer of the pool envelopes my mind and i stare into nothingness, my mind a blank empty slate. i want to dive in i thought. i want to dive under, float on my back and let the world pass me by. i sat there for almost 2 hours wondering what if i tried, tried to let myself fall into that crystal like pool. just me and my water of solitude.
i didn't cry today. i felt my tears dry up. ive run out of things to cry about i thought. i am stronger today than i was yesterday.
and then "daddy" gave me a hug. the warmth that hit and the words he said stung me hard. "dont emo kay? you're worth more than that. if there's anything you will always have us. just call and we'll talk" it was at that point i finally let down my guard. my eyes welled up and an intense sadness swept through me. yet looking at those faces around me i stopped. i will not cry in front of them, not now not today was all that went through my head. i let a weak smile escape my lips and fell back into my state of empty oblivion.
i wonder if you really know just how much i feel?
on a side note...
what doesnt kill me will only make me stronger.
Monday, July 20, 2009
stupidity is my middle name. although i say that a lot but this time, i think this time may just have been the icing on the cake.
it's time to grow up princess.
life really isnt all that fun after all. collateral damage has very obviously happened.
stand up and walk baby girl, you'll do just fine.
i hope.
Labels: angry, confessions, personal, reminders, upset
Friday, July 17, 2009
so for a few days or so, this blog will be on hiatus until the air has settled.
don't worry. im not abandoning it.
Labels: confessions, him, personal, reminders
Friday, July 10, 2009
sorry. MIA pretty often lately.
zouk started out pissy and annoying but in the end fun times with the love loves. awesomeness much. fuck the damn guest list. lets dance and scream till our lungs break out.
busy busy busy busy.
dont go away because obs3ssionsz.net will be right back
you know i love ya =D
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
WEDNESDAYS AT VELVET UNDERGROUND and PHUTURE:
MAMBO JAMBO LET'S DO THE HUSTLE
Wednesdays Ladies Nite:
- Ladies FREE entry with a Hennessy drink.
- Secret cosmetic goodies up for grabs.
- Express lane entry for ladies.
Workers Unite:
-Come in groups of TWO or more, show your business cards for FREE entry and get ONE JUG FREE. (CHOICE OF WHISKY / VODKA)
Pre-Mambo @ Terracebar feat. Mambo Jambo 80’s Diner (from 9-11pm)
-Enjoy unlimited Tiger Draught for RM88nett only.
- Featuring warm-up set by DJ Alex to get you into the groovy mood.
- NEW! Mambo Jambo 80's Diner: Diner Burger, Eastern Delight and Mini Burger platter. Packages from RM14 onwards.
AT VELVET UNDERGROUND – MAMBO JAMBO
Music Policy: 80's, 90's and retro favourites with DJ Leonard T and Alex
The Original Mambo Jambo takes you back to the 80's/ 90's with all your party retro hits and looks back at the golden era of New Jack Swing, classic hip hop and some current smooth R&B flavas.
AT PHUTURE - URBAN FLAVA
Music Policy: R&B and Hip-Hop
Introducing Urban Flava! Serving up only the hottest R&B and Hip-hop are DJs Ray Rox and DJ Luqe. From the latest jams to those classic dance floor tracks, this is for all you urban music fanatics.
ADMISSION (Access Velvet and Phuture):
TICKET ENTRY:
RM30 Ladies and Men (inc 1 drink)
THURSDAYS AT ZOUK and PHUTURE:
4PLAY
Music Policy:
Zouk: Superstar DJs Goldfish and Luqe tearing up Zouk with R&B and Hip-Hop, now feat. MC Point Blanc.
Phuture: Mambo favourites with DJ Alex and Ray Rox.
It may be the newest kid on the block but this night has been taking KL by storm. Superstar DJs, multiroom entertainment, the 4Play honeys and now FREE FLOW for LADIES!
ADMISSION:
TICKET ENTRY (inc 1 drink):
(ALLOWS ACCESS to ZOUK, PHUTURE and BARSONIC):
RM18 Ladies / RM28 Men
PROMOS:
- 1-FOR-1 Drinks – All night long on loose drinks and draught beer.
- Ladies Love 4Play - A specially created bar upstairs to knock you out some yummy free drink between 11pm and midnite and also between 1am to. Whats the catch? None! Just come up and party like its 1999.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
but so sad can T__T switchfoot missed. stars missed. AIR SUPPLY missed. why am i so uninformed T__T sad can my news antenna. wtf
the bouncers at zouk now think im weird because i carry a zoom lens in my bag without carrying my camera around "=_= miehh....
past few days of wearing heels and i have successfully developed my first blister. omgwtfbbq? sad wei.
today i went for an interview that i had previously sent my profile in for. IN MY PROFILE i clearly stated that i cannot read or write mandarin. oh boooyy.. did they make a big deal out of that. hello. please read girls profiles before asking them to come lor. mahai. damn a lot of effort wei for me to get there. summoh told me 2.. almost 3 only decide okay la. i interview u girls now. damn annoying can die >=(
i miss my rabbit cotton T_____T i miss hugging and cuddling her like a doll and watch as she tries to attack anyone that comes near me when im carrying her *o* cool can my rabbit? still agitated at the fact she died and had blue liquid coming out of her mouth. fucking suspicious can die.
I NEED TO LEARN TO BE MORE PRODUCTIVE.
MAKE USE OF YOUR HOLIDAY BITCH.
Labels: confessions, personal, random, reminders, tragedies, wordy