..Click Click Click..
So i finally got around to sorta finishing my layout. still a bit buggy here and there but im not free now la! later la ;p
Oh and if my layout is wonky on your browser its probabaly because your browsers old "=_= go update it.
..The Princess..
I am the very sin of life itself, living in a world and civilization i deem unworthy of the many now ruined perfection it was blessed with. The social
anti-social i be but thats another part of me you will
eventually see or hope to see.
I suffer from a bipolar disorder and can feel extreme happiness and sadness in the most disturbing of manner. Manic depressive some often call me or "emo
girl" for short.
But who am i really?
That girl on the street you thought was hot or perhaps that girl you laughed at the day before.
What you see is your perception of me but what you know is something that even i find much a mystery.
Yes that is me in the picture and yes that is a pink cigarette i'm holding but no i'm not a smoker. But believe what you may for doubts will inevitably
be existant.
..She Supports..
..Talk..
..Credits..
I'm Ginny; girly, emotional, rough and fundamentally retarded. Oh, mustn't forget extremely lazy and amazing at procrastination as well and err...well, clumsy (don't ask). The surname's Yap and no my full name isn't really necessary in introductions. Arrogant, stubborn and well, what more might you ask?
IM AWESOME. Nuff said.
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Sunday, September 27, 2009
one being the fact that i finally drove after over 2 years of first getting my license. it was your words that probed at it. words that were said ages ago but somehow made me want to try. "when are you going to drive me around! i dont care man. the next time i'm back in kl im going to call and say ginnnnyyyyyyy i want to eat and you will come and fetch me." why those words would have any effect on me is beyond my comprehension but fact of the fact is, i finally drove.
the second being that i have unseemingly decided that i will at least attempt to go for classes and graduate with pretty decent results in order to get to you. admittedly i am still skimping classes but i no longer use lack of transportation as an excuse and have successfully gone for more than 2 days of classes in a week. my lack of attendance in moral studies is starting to prove to be rather perplexing as i think i have been barred but have yet to be told. i am fearful that i will have to go through the whole rubbish course again. this is very disheartening because it takes me one step furthur away from you. that and the fact that my lecturer is homophobic which does not at all amuse me one bit.
the third being that during working hours time passes faster because i am so preoccupied with the words MUST MAKE MORE MONEY TO GO THERE. not that i have that many jobs but so far whatever has come my way had not been as bad as i had anticipated. and my accounts are not dwindling away as quickly as they used to. in fact i have just about enough for a trip there when i feel like it. or so i would like to think.
and the fourth. i have started to read again. a trait i had lost long ago. i am now able to go through about 3-400 pages in a day unlike the previous months where after 10 pages or so i would get distracted by something else. although this may not neccesarilly be a silver lining as it means i will end up spending money on books which i deem are getting more and more expensive by the day. nope. not good. not good at all.
had a list of other things to rattle on about but my eyes are tired. so good day to you too.
Labels: confessions, musings, personal, random, reminders, wordy
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
"i'll see you soon k?" was the last thing whispered in my ears at the airport in what felt like the longest most paiful hug i've ever had in a long long time. i couldnt even bring myself to stand up when you looked at me and said "not even a hug?" to which i could only weakly react with a false smile on my face by holding my arms out for one while being still seated on those cold iron chairs.
the minute your sight disappeared i sat alone drowning in my own unhidden sobs while passerbys walked past and gave me a look of knowing and heartfelt understanding.
"i'll see you soon k." had then been repeated on the phone in those little times i had found the courage to call.
yesterday it was different. yesterday u ended it with something almost similiar and i remember you saying it only once when i called while u were having dinner.
"i'll talk to u soon k?" why do u always end my calls that way. they always leave place for questions. it's hard to tell whether it's positive or negative and it claws at me every single time.
see you soon always meant see you soon in the past because the next day or the next few days you would schedule a meal with me. never once had your words ended in false pretense because even if you didnt make it on the intended date you would always make it up to me the next day.
so when does see you soon apply now? it was meant to be december until you unexpectedly blew me off. the money i refused to use in order to buy my air tickets are still kept nicely in a box and stupidly my funds are being thrifted as much as possible in order to add to that. why? i could use it to buy anything else so why am i saving for a trip that's not going to happen? i am blinded. more blinded that i would ever expect myself to be.
so what about talk to you soon. you never ever call except to tell me you're back in KL and to ask if i want to eat. that or when you're outside my house. but you never really liked messages now that i think about it. you always asked me to call instead. you're not going to call me. i know this. were your words meant to encourage me that it's okay for me to call or were u not thinking and those words just came spurting out.
hot cold hot cold.
you're more confusing than i had known you to be.
Labels: confessions, musings, personal, reminders, upset, wordy
Sunday, August 30, 2009
what? i really dont know.
a chill pill perhaps.
im a ball of negativity.
restless and tired.
say something.
xind i need you.
aaron come back. i need you too.
3 more months.
should i?
should i not??
1 more year.
will i?
will i not??
answer me.
Labels: confessions, cravings, musings, personal, pics, upset
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
and i have fallen hard for the city of Sydney. strange really. it's not my first time here but everything feels so new and welcoming.not something i would expect from a city like this. feels like home =)
gonna fucken miss the weather here and home cooked meals =) and hyper active Kim who comes back every 4 months anyway =p hahah stupid girl too much time wei.
walking around today i had a lot of things on my mind just waiting to be splashed onto my way too pink blog but sitting here now as always i really do not know what to say.
i spent the day in silence today. not an upset kind of silence but a deep in thought just to absorb everything kind of silence. i like this kind of silence. instead of being watched im just part of the background, staring quietly and watching everything move around me. feels good.
it's peaceful where i am. i feel different somehow.
amd i know i will leave tomorrow with tears in my eyes.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
watching people in different environments and watching how differently they behave upsets me a little because sometimes the changes arent exactly in the best of ways or the most welcoming of aura. don't get me wrong, im probably the same but i guess when you arrive somewhere expecting something the after maths can end up quite devastating.
or maybe it's just me. strange how asian everything really is here and as asian as i am, fitting into the asian environment here is like asking me a duck to go make friends with a flock of chickens. it's just too different in a sense that it isnt the side of asians i really like. Jess C! i miss you!! boo to you for leaving me so early. hmph!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
had the biggest mug of beer at 230 PM in the afternoon yesterday and the cutest waiter served us. she was tall and skinny with this really shy smile yet she had a nose ring indicating she really isnt as innocent as she looks.
i spent a good deal of my time sipping my beer and watching her dart around with this adorably worried look she had plastered on most of the time. she made me smile =)
cant wait for sydney! shop till we drop =D
Labels: confessions, musings, personal, rants, tragedies, wordy
Friday, August 07, 2009
Lack of sleep days are back to haunt and hell my eyes hurt from wearing too much contacts.not entirely sure what i want to say again but i just felt like this space needed a little update.
so yeah bear with this for a while
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
woke up much earlier and the weather was lovely as well. Curled up under my blankie with one of the more humourous books i own and just lost myself in my own happy bubble. British humour cracks me up everytime.
and instead of my usual dammit i should have gone to class moods i'm really glad i chose to stay in after some drama with my mum this morning because the atmosphere has totally cleared my mind of what happened earlier.
it's at rare times like these i actually feel blessed to be alive =) hm
Labels: confessions, happy, musings, personal
Thursday, July 30, 2009
like loons said "being back in malaysia is like being in a time capsule" hahha the irony of his words. today i felt 16-17 again and hell did it bring back a lot of pretty good memories.
have i really been MIA for that long?
Labels: confessions, musings, personal, random
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.
it's ironic how i was telling my friend he should quit smoking because he was coughing yesterday. he said he stopped for 3-4 years and now there's no more motivation. i think it was more of the fact that everytime he smokes it temps me to just grab the fucken thing from his hands and take that long deep puff. i have reached breaking down point. not good. not good at all.
i've been neglecting a lot of things lately, i guess the animals suffer the most when im at this stage. i need to snap out of this.
i have more male friends than female friends. is that so hard to accept?
and why the hell are ppl that have been MIA from my life over the past 2 years starting to come look for me again. i hate ulterior motives, it pisses me off. i dont need someone to sweep me off my feet, especially not someone whom just walks up and leave whenever im attached.
i want to fucken smash things right now. hello myviolent friend, it's been a while.
Labels: angry, annoyed, confessions, emo, musings, personal, rants, sad, stupidity, upset, wordy
Saturday, July 18, 2009
at times when i think im fine it all breaks apart and somehow i feel that little splinter dig deeper into my heart. what am i thinking? no, i know what im thinking. instead, what am i doing? and why the hell am i doing it knowing that nothing good ever comes.take me back to Hat Yai 09 where coconut jellies and long car rides made me feel most at ease.
Labels: confessions, emo, musings, personal, pics, Thailand, travel, upset
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
right i forgot what i wanted to say. but sam just reminded me of david lynch. DO U ALL REMEMBER THAT VIDEO I POSTED UP!!! the one called the alphabet T___T i bet u all didnt click on it T__T why like that. its damn awesome can. but i guess not many people actually get it. but he is amazing, the way he is able to visualise his thoughts in such a way is just sigh...he's got my respect yo. if one day i ever achieve that ability i will be very very proud of myself which is rare because i have pretty crappy self esteem issues.
my eyes hurt.
and i want to go to class but nobody wants to fetch me T_T wth. this is like the first time this is happening. am i crazy?? although class is still in another 8 hours but thats besides the point
Labels: confessions, musings, personal, random, rants, tragedies, wordy
Sunday, July 12, 2009
sometimes we do things unintentionally and then there is that fear of regret, yet we continue to do it anyway as if it's okay to continue even after knowing how bad things could turn out.
im not entirely sure what it is that i want to say but my tears right now shouldnt even flow considering what it is i have just said.
empty.
thats it, i feel empty right now.
lost in my own sea of complicted lies.
i guess my one of my previous post kinda jinxed me huh?
emo gin is very unfortunately back.
Labels: angry, confessions, emo, musings, personal, sad, stupidity, upset
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
sitting in the cinema next to someone who used to be much dear to me i started thinking, that's weird, it feels like just a few weeks ago we were sneaking into the cinema in our uniforms with a shirt over our tops.claiming our skirts were matching because we like wearing the same stuff, sneaking in because most of the movies were 18 rated. and when all else fails, puppy dog eyes does wonders when no one else is looking =)
i am now 19. it's been that long and as cliche as it always goes i cant help but wonder where exactly did all that time go.
and if we really look into things, nothing much has changed. in 8 months time i will be 20. strange, i still feel like im 15 minus the excessive alcohol and clubbing. that and the ability to live on 2-3 hours of sleep everyday. age really is catching up with me. hell, im not even old and my body behaves like im middle aged.
i cant say i miss my high school years much but i know i did miss middle school. hours were spent with them reminding me of my 12-13 year old self of climbing over walls and sneaking bfs out of the house; most of which i had totally forgotten about but unconsciously managed to put a smile on my face with each memory that came flooding back. yes, i was quite the 12 year old.
drama years have long but faded, but i never really did grow up all these years did i?. things done in the past would no doubt be repeated in coming years and sometimes i wish i never did grow up so fast. i wasnt much of a kid was i? i spent my time doing things i should have done years later, not that there are any regrets but years of repeated situations somehow brings quite the impact on one doesnt it?
where did my childhood go?
Labels: confessions, musings, personal, sad, wordy
Friday, June 26, 2009
and thanks to this i turn green when i see girls who look good in almost every shot. just yesterday i was with 3 of the FHM girls, Kellie Yap, Jasimine and Davina Goh. well great, FHM's camera people run out of battery and so use my very random compact cam instead. AND I SWEAR in every freaking picture we took of them, posed or candid they looked good.
my eyes were literally O_O because i find that really unfair. i mean they do look good in real life but the fact that they looked even better in every single frame of the picture was amazing. they even looked good when they had that half closed eye pictures which is pretty awesome. and this makes me tres sad and like the title points out jealous. miehh..
and i discovered something relatively new, i've always thought skinny girls looked a lot better in pictures because the camera puts on an extra 10 pounds or something on you but these girls were definitely not in the category skinny. they were actually pretty normal sized which is a good thing okay. slim and skinny are two very different words, thank you very much.
ah this is such a random rant. eh i didnt insult the girls okay, they were very nice me like. im just complaining about how sad it is that im not photogenic. hurhurhur
Labels: confessions, musings, personal, random, rants, tragedies, wordy
Which Tim this is remains hush hush as his immediate reaction after the conversation was DONT BLOG ABOUT ME. but splish splash, i know a million and one Tims which you people probably know or dont know so in the end on which Tim this really is no one will really know =D
and i quoteeeeee "girls are like dishes at a buffet spread. imagine having to just choose one dish for the rest of your life and stick to it. cannot right?? it's so hard right!!! how can you just choose one dish when you're at a buffet!"
and it astounds me how one can so nochalantly refer a partner to a dish on a buffet spread but i guess i was never really the one who could understand jumping from one guy to another. not that i judge, i mean if ure switching bfs and gfs all the time but with no real attachment then yeah hell go ahead but really to those that are just with their partners for benefits and then dump them when they think they're useless, I EAT PEOPLE LIKE YOU FOR BREAKFAST.
on what point of this post be i have no idea but i felt like my blog hasnt been updated for some time and the idea of picture spamming just takes too much effort right now.
actually there were some initial ideas swimming around the empty depths of my head but as always once this is open the ideas sink an i forget what the hell it was i was about to go on about .___.
but on a less serious note. i like chocolate chip cookies. yeay
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
was that me at another time and space. did i unwish the day? so why is it all happening the same way again. so we see our futures. so kinda makes our lives fated in that string of events unchangeable doesnt it. like our lives are just nothing more but characters in a story book of events all written in "perfect" sequence just waiting to happen.
puppets hung by a string. how many of us are there? how many different versions of us or exact replicas of us are there in every time frame of past present and future? or is there only one time continual life played over and over again in fast forward and rewind?
dejavu doesnt scare me.
just makes me feel a little bit more vulnerable.
Labels: confessions, musings, personal, wordy
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
in the process of this semi drunkened state, i proclaimed very confidently to the boyfriend " HOR I KNOW WHY I SO FAT AND DULAN AND UNCOMFORTABLE!! I HAVENT SHIT IN A LONG LONG TIME!! but why liddat wan!!! how can a vegetarian suffer from constipation!!! its so wrong!!!"
to which he replied " this proves there's something wrong with you and you should go for a check up" to which i sulkily folder my arms sat back down in the car seat and gave him a "hmph"
today.
i ended up in the toilet 3 times and 2 out of those 3 times my shit was so massive it wouldnt go down .____. and no i am not suffering from food poisoning but wth. the irony of me talking about having constipation and then going to the toilet that many times in a day is just so in your face @_@
okay. maybe you didnt need to know that but i had fun telling you anyway so mieh
Labels: confessions, funny, musings, personal, random, stupidity, wordy
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
the bf does not have this problem because he lived in London as a kid and he still has that somewhat english accent going on though not that prominent as his childhood days or the first time i met him. la la la. i deduce it's my very strong ginny influences that killed his accent. not intentionally mind you but you know la. malaysian accent so addictive. its unavoidable wan!
here are some examples. what me and apparrently most malaysians end up saying on the right and the original word in bold on the left. (note that if u try to pronounce it after someone tells u ure mistake you may say it right but when u dont notice and speak freely this is what happens "=_=)
Third - Turd
Seth - Sef
Birth - Bert
Thick - Tick
Three - Tree
HOW COULD THIS BE?!?!?! where were those years of barney obsessions and learning how to pronouce the way barney did!! yes people. i love barney the giant purple dinasour so boo to you if you thick he's stupid >=( because barney is awesome and YOU KNOW IT.
huhuhuh.. interesting discovery no??
and dont tell me can pronounce nicely ah when u say to yourself because your ego would probably stop you from noticing the mistake. wah wth. damn mm kam yun can die.
Labels: asian, confessions, funny, musings, tragedies, wordy
Sunday, May 24, 2009
i live in the house 4 with the street number containing 4. i end up with 4 almost everythings. good friends an example.
which is weird because it's like im an atom with 4 valence electrons. everytime i get close to someone new someone old drifts away and in the end the number of good friends would always go back to the number 4.
i also noticed the repeating patterns of 22's in my life until natalie pointed out that 22 is actualy 4 in disguise. 2+2 is 4. and by jove she's right. (.____________.)
my anniversary is on the 2204 and unknowingly i bought air tickets to australia on the 14th where wahla thenumber 4 once again appears. hmmmmmmmm. okay so maybe this part has no relevance but whatever
the chinese always bring 4 as a bad number but i've always had this fascination with it even as a child. what is your favourite number. i remembered how my answers would always be a consistently 4 or occasionally 6 depending on my mood. i would get so annyed seeing floors on places saying 3b instead of 4 and houses that do the same.
4 is a pretty number no? so wholesome and complete. 8 is just a division of 2 fours. so mieh.
okay totally pointless post but i was just wondering so what would the significnce of 4 be in my life. ho hum
Labels: confessions, musings, random, wordy