Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Sleepless Paranoia

my heart is in a rapid beat of discomfort and uncertainty. over what, for fucks sake if i even had the slightest clue. it feels like it's going to pop out of my mouth any moment if, hurled out with the rest of my already malfunctioning innards.

after over an hour of tossing around in bed my eyes are wide open now, every detail seen with a strange clarity one gets from being high. yet the brain is disconnected and studying attempts become futile if not totally a waste of time.

even music does nothing to calm me down and i wonder what the fuck is up with me now.


~*~*~*~*~*~


2.30am edit : this confused state of mine is tearing me apart. anger annoyance frustration, it's all hitting me at once. it's like schizophrenia + depression all over again. i want to hit something, break something, be destructive.

maybe it's the pms talking yet it doesnt seem entirely feasible. the last time i felt this way was after learning what a cheating scum bag my ex actually was and how my closest friend at that time could so nonchalantly hurt me the way she did.

not like anything like that is happening now, but that channeled frustration seems all too familiar. i've had enough of self inflicting wounds so what the fuck do i do now then? strange how watching my own hand cut myself can calm me down in almost an instant; but no, not this time, there isnt even a solid reason for my current state of emotions.

my fan is making the most disgustingly disturbing sound and its repetitiveness is driving me insane. it's in situations like this i think people find it easiest to put a gun to their heads and pull the trigger without hesitation.

if only i had a gun.

if only...

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-BabyGinz-