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Made up Dolly Lies

2009-10-17T18:42:00.003+08:00

It is the beginning of a stupid school girl crush. Pathethic attempts at self degradation in order to get just the tiniest remarks from that one person.

I am not a make up person. And i rarely ever dress nicely for anything anymore. Even when i do,as soon as there is a chance i get to pull everything off and get into my usual slouchy clothes i do it.

so the past few days i have been in girly clothes with gunk on my face and every time i get home i cease to change back in hopes that he will call and i will get to show myself off. and so far it just doesnt happen that way. and when i do get to see him i just walk out in house clothes and be questioned as to why am i dressed like an aunty today. hm. how very quaint.

even now i still have make up on my face from a previous photoshoot. even when i know i will probably not get to see him today. and i know that i will put on that tube and that floral skirt just in case.

"he can make you feel anyway he wants you to feel. just be careful" - R

and i just never learn.

Starry Eyed Fall

2009-10-16T20:46:00.003+08:00

im smiling for you. im smiling with you except once again the jokes on me.

built my walls on hate. told myself no just go. have fun let loose and now i find myself doing things for you i normally wouldnt. sitting on your bed telling you i was going out yesterday, the cold look and answers you gave me froze me in place. i irritate you to no ends, piss you off unexpectedly and normally i wouldnt give a shit because who the hell are you to me? and likewise i am nobody to you. and that is how you like it.

today i said 5 years down the road im going to see you and you're going to forget who i ever was just like every other one you have. without a hint of hesitation you said most likely and for some reason i smiled. an affectionate smile. i think you noticed because after that you said, you? i think you i will remember. it didnt mean anything. it doesnt mean anything. so why even bother?

we always want what we can't have.

and i should know this by now.

so why do i let my mask slowly fall like raindrops against a window pane.

i'm falling.

and i cant help it. and i know you will hate me for it.

24-28 Feb 09 @ Randoms 2

2009-10-16T15:32:00.003+08:00

happy chairs

spent much time here in the past.

wtf retarded

baby cotton =(

chippy again la

tsk..dirty

muka retarded.

oh haiz

Pitter Patter Insanity

2009-10-14T04:05:00.003+08:00

"pit pat pit pat thump thump thump"

i usually relish rainy nights. today its sound resonates at a frequency much higher than usual in my head. the rhythemic repetition sounds like nails being drilled into my head and i want to scream in frustration at it all.

my eyes are burning again. i am very very tired.

yet i cannot stop moving. as we speak i am jiggling my right leg in such an unruly manner one would snap at me if they saw. my body aches all over.

i want to crawl into the arms of someone familiar and be soothed by his/her voice. someone to tell me it's okay and that they care. yes i am needy. and yes i am clingy. and even more yes i should probably learn to grow up.

i did not need to hear you mock my parking today. i know i am bad at it. normally i would laugh it off. today, my emotions couldnt deal with it. your voice rings in my head and i am torn between crying or being infuriated. you are drunk yet perfectly sober. ah. such contradictions.

this is bullshit.

angst is eating me up. i am eating myself up.

i dont even know what the fuck.

Solemn Tuesday

2009-10-14T00:11:00.002+08:00

i have been unbearably quiet over the past 2 days. perhaps its PMS but it feels like im slipping back into that depressive phase again. i do things so sluggishly that today someone i care a great deal for got angry and annoyed at me and my sluggishness. i hate it when people i care about get angry and annoyed at me, even more so when all i want to do is make them happy because they are already in a crap mood.

my inability to do so makes me feel ill at ease. im not suppose to get attached. im not suppose to care. in a way i dont yet i still do. why did the way u talk to me sting so bad today. i almost cried in front of him. he has seen me cry. but it was never about him. today it was.

to add to the whole pathethicness of it all i have discovered that another one of my guinea pigs is on the verge of dying. and will very well be dead by morning. and im sad but im not. im so numb right now. so devoid of emotions. so empty. what the fuck is wrong with me. am i really as mentally retarded as everyone seems to think i am?

i need my boys and babes who are not in the country right now. i need you guys so badly.

anyway. do be a dear and click on THIS LINK. all help is much appreciated. thanks

Dazed Blue Monday

2009-10-12T16:28:00.003+08:00

i felt myself cry in the dark last night. clutching at everything around me, grasping at everything i thought i could see. and then i opened my eyes and again i am thrown away from your surroundings like always. your face, your laugh and that way you tend to cock your head when you're looking at me as if wanting to say something yet hesitant. it isnt a bad look, there was always a smile on your lips and a glow in your eyes when you look at me that way.

you say i have the same look. you always tell me to stop looking at you that way yet your eyes showed signs of approval and you always ended it with a shy laugh. i never got what u meant, at least not until it was just that little too late.

i havent dreamt of you in over a month. last night was a painful blow. i have not smiled today. and i cried again in the car. i can't tell if it's the music i've been listening to or the way the sky seems to remain downcast but today has been nothing short of a dazed blue monday.

i miss you

still.

15 Jan 09 @ Ruums, Mist Club + 19-26 Feb 09 @ Randoms

2009-10-12T11:22:00.005+08:00

i actually dont remember if i've already posted these pictures but yeah whatever. havent been in much of a mood to blog lately. and i think im going to be transferring my blog over to wordpress somewhere this week. with an empty templat first la. will work on the design some other time. pfft. but yeah.

brought my 2 babies with me to Ruums for their launch i think ? @_@

my favourite people.

mew

u have no idea just how much.

love love love

cheh. they learnt my red picture effect skill

it really does make u look gorgeous. hahhaa.

ghosting

dream.

baby nat as always with her weird expressions

chay chay

huai bin

horr.. who simply take pics of us

simon seow

cornered. wtf

the wall la what else

The Feb Randoms

herbal chicken noodles @ MingTien Taman Megah
i love this. a lot for some reason.

sarawak noodles

fried lychee! omg best shit ever

and watermelon juice laaaaaaaaa

broadway musical. hm

the pigs

totally random apple pie from o briens.my apparent birthday cake from them. wtf

Wordless To Channel V

2009-10-10T15:34:00.002+08:00

i dont know what to say here anymore. i guess when youve been internet deprived for such a time period you forget how to blog. or more like u lose the need or will to blog. still there's that nagging feeling somewhere in the back of your head going you're online dammit just post a line or to. ahh.. the inner blogger speaks i guess.

nothing much to say nothing much to do.

at a friends place right now with channel V blasting jpop and i forgot how much i loved it @_@ wasnt really paying much attention to the tv just now but boa has a really beautiful voice no? okay so random and hell she can dance .__.

i really dont know what it is i want to say. but not doing anything alone in the house with good music at high volume does wonders to the soul. hm. a few days back i was here in the same place next to an open window with the pool outside curled up on a couch with a book. i think i am getting too comfortable here. this is starting to get worrisome.

wi has boring games. why do i only play games at other peoples houses? mine remain untouch. strange strange.

my body's in a shit mess. screwed up left right up down. hm. am dead broke now thanks to a crazy expensive medical bill. sigh.

im falling back into my social recluse stage.

im tired. are you?

Masked Uncertainty

2009-10-08T03:06:00.002+08:00

its always easy to pretend to be someone else in the face of another. so easy that it becomes more than just a mask. yet inside we know, once the whole facade is over and done with, so does the mask. it crumbles in our own hands, soiling all that was once there.

it haunts and breaks you.

i know how i feel. i know what is happening. i know i should walk away now before i hurt myself again. i know all the answers, every fact every truth yet as always i let my defences slip right in front of my own eyes.

i never learn do i?

i did not choose or vouch for it to happen. it just did.

and im sorry i couldnt live up to your expectations, but i know you saw it coming.

Scratch to Death

2009-10-07T10:01:00.002+08:00

and the itch is so agonizing i really dont know how to react.

yesterday afternoon i developed a weird lumpy rash on the back of my thighs. and what the hell this morning i wake up to discover it's still there and it seems to be slowly spreading T___T

omg.

it's so fucken itchy.

now my lower back has some of it T__T

in case you've been wondering my internet has been dead. in a friends place now. hmmm.

FUCK FUCK FUCK this is shitty!!

Wootsie woots!

2009-10-06T05:10:00.002+08:00

Do you know... Do you know.. Do yah?

*boogies!* =D

Maybe i'm just that fella in the mirror..

An unusual kind of busy

2009-10-01T15:20:00.001+08:00

and i really want to find time to update this overly pink blog (yes for some reason its pinkness i starting to annoy even me) but i cant seem to find the time to really sit down and do this.

will be going on mia for a few days =)

till then. toodles!

18 Feb 09 @ My Birthday, Rakuzen + Bonjuk

2009-09-28T14:59:00.004+08:00

the brother. not mine

nato!

unagi la

aper lagi?

my fav agedashi tofu

and as always my cold soba

mmmmm

saba love

wtf. crystal so skinny!! DAMN U WOMAN

sze. nat

camwho alert

the golden couple.

watch as sams expression changes

.__.

the girls plus a sesat

the boys

and siapa lagi!

Phonecall

2009-09-28T02:46:00.002+08:00

hearing our voice felt good for a while. i remember how i used to only call when i was in tears and how i ran away from his house and you didnt know and started to panic when you found out. you had no idea what to do with me.

it was good until near the end.

when you used all those excuses with me. it reminded me of bitterness and how i hated the way you would tell me you had no money yet find reasons to go far away or do things that required it.times when i wanted you to stay home with me and you would reluctantly agree to and show how annoyed you were.

we were in that place for a long long time.

you being moody and angry at me all the time. you ignoring me. you doing things for me not out of sincerity but for the heck of it. even showing your moods to my friends who all eventually grew afraid of you. i was afraid of you. and yet, i could never speak out.

"ya ya!! i noticed!! he treat u damnnnn nice in perth!! he never treat u like that in kl!! in kl he's nice but it was never a sincere i love you kind of nice!!"

im amazed at how you would even allow me a to drive out alone at this hour after i told u i hit my car. how i said i didnt want to be in public and you said Mc D.

i am all kinds of hurt right now.

will i be okay tomorrow?

or will i wake up angry and in pain.

i was going to go to class. but i dont feel like it anymore.

Ghost of the Past

2009-09-28T01:36:00.003+08:00

and i sit here listening to the songs you downloaded, stare at the screen that once belonged to you. i feel desolated.

all of a sudden, all your missing shirts are appearing in my cupboard. i turn and look at my bed and i see you lying there with that child like grin i had adored. the one i told everyone about when we played truth or dare in Otto's house.

i want to curl up in your arms. smell that familiar smell and cry to my hearts content. hide in my safe zone. in your posession, safe from harm.

you look happy now. more determined with life. dreams i know you will finally make an effort to reach. you lost yourself when you were with me. i never figured out which side of you had been the real you. and i guess that's what destroyed it all.

i remeber the image i watched on the mirror. and at this moment i want to run back in time. run to that memory where everything felt so right.

You flew like an angel to me
Then you fell and broke your wings
It was never meant to last
Your were just a ghost from the past

I thought you really could be real
That my heart was ready to bleed
When I walked through pain and fear
You would certainly disappear

You know that I love you, you know what I need
You know that I found you so tender so sweet
We walked through the darkness, we walked in the sun
We shared all our sorrows, we shared all the love

You said that you loved me, you said that you cared
So how could I know I had something to fear
I don't know where you are, I know that you're hurt
I should have been able to sense your alert

You came like a stranger to me
And you said you were for real
Though I do know where this would end
I was cold and I needed a friend

I turned on the light so you could see
I was stuck in some other dream
Still my eyes were crystal clear
You came closer and shattered my tears

You know that I love you, you know what I need
You know that I found you so tender so sweet
We walked through the darkness, we walked in the sun
We shared all our sorrows, we shared all the love

You said that you loved me, you said that you cared
So how could I know I had something to fear
I don't know where you are, I know that you're hurt
I should have been able to sense your alert

Go, How could you say you wanted to go
When my diamond were starting to grow
When you knew that I wanted you so
You left me alone

You know that I love you, you know what I need
You know that I found you so tender so sweet
We walked through the darkness, we walked in the sun
We shared all our sorrows, we shared all the love

You said that you loved me, you said that you cared
So how could I know I had something to fear
I don't know where you are, I know that you're hurt
I should have been able to sense your alert
- Ghost of the Past,Bang Gang

i miss you. i miss you so much right now.

and i hate myself for how i had hurt you so deep.

The Silver Lining

2009-09-27T01:56:00.003+08:00

there have been a few positive continuations since the arrival of your bizarre confession and your proceedings to behave as if it was not at all you who had started the whole messy riff raff. although it is obvious that it has become only messy on my side and it is by no means bothering you or YOUR BUSY schedule at all and i am nothing more to you but of the past.

one being the fact that i finally drove after over 2 years of first getting my license. it was your words that probed at it. words that were said ages ago but somehow made me want to try. "when are you going to drive me around! i dont care man. the next time i'm back in kl im going to call and say ginnnnyyyyyyy i want to eat and you will come and fetch me." why those words would have any effect on me is beyond my comprehension but fact of the fact is, i finally drove.

the second being that i have unseemingly decided that i will at least attempt to go for classes and graduate with pretty decent results in order to get to you. admittedly i am still skimping classes but i no longer use lack of transportation as an excuse and have successfully gone for more than 2 days of classes in a week. my lack of attendance in moral studies is starting to prove to be rather perplexing as i think i have been barred but have yet to be told. i am fearful that i will have to go through the whole rubbish course again. this is very disheartening because it takes me one step furthur away from you. that and the fact that my lecturer is homophobic which does not at all amuse me one bit.

the third being that during working hours time passes faster because i am so preoccupied with the words MUST MAKE MORE MONEY TO GO THERE. not that i have that many jobs but so far whatever has come my way had not been as bad as i had anticipated. and my accounts are not dwindling away as quickly as they used to. in fact i have just about enough for a trip there when i feel like it. or so i would like to think.

and the fourth. i have started to read again. a trait i had lost long ago. i am now able to go through about 3-400 pages in a day unlike the previous months where after 10 pages or so i would get distracted by something else. although this may not neccesarilly be a silver lining as it means i will end up spending money on books which i deem are getting more and more expensive by the day. nope. not good. not good at all.

had a list of other things to rattle on about but my eyes are tired. so good day to you too.

Birds on the Wire by Jarbas Agnelli

2009-09-26T22:33:00.001+08:00

stolen from Firdy. awesome shit.

Birds on the Wires from Jarbas Agnelli on Vimeo.

Strange Desires

2009-09-26T20:33:00.003+08:00

in a room of unknown whereabouts, a girl with long luscious curls cascading her half bare back stands alone. the right side of her fair slender neck peeks out at me and with a curious eye i trace her silhoutte from neck down across her naked shoulders.

she is dressed is a soft silky robe, loose and seductive. it falls below her shoulders, threatening to drop entirely but stays in place as if being held by an invisible hand testing the patience of anyone daring enough to imagine it giving way to reveal the soft slender arc of her back and the tiny waist it hides.

i am transfixed in place.

she turns her head slowly with realisation of my arrival. i do not know her.

she looks at me with glowing eyes, a half smile curving upon her perfect pink lips. she turns her body slightly and i note with interest the soft swell of ample breast. she's not wearing a bra. she says nothing. i say nothing.

without realising, i am walking towards her and she turns back to look at the books placed neatly on the shelves surrounding the walls. she lifts an arm and with a long slender finger traces it across the leather bound treasures on the wall.

she is beautiful. stunningly so.

i stand behind her, unsure of how to react. my eyes stare fixated at her exposed neck and i am drawn in. i hear her breathing get harder and in her hand she holds the story of choice. its leatherbound case bares no signs of a title but a velvet red cloth peeks out from one of its pages.

the large book makes her look childlike and i let out a soft chuckle. she ignores me and continues to stand serenely in place.

without thinking i place my arms around her small frame. she smells of milky sweetness, an unidentifiable scent. she lets out a sigh but does not react. i can feel her heartbeat. it beats as hard as mine.

"what am i doing? who the hell is this?" runs through my head.

i close my eyes as the warmth of her body makes me forget. i cannot resist her.

my lips brush against the nape of her neck and a moan escapes her moist glistering lips. i feel a familiar sense of warmth tickle my sex. i reach for the ribbon that holds her robe and with a swift pull watch the rest of it fall gracefully to a pool around her feet.

her back is flawless.

i trace her spine with a finger and watch as she trembles in the cold. still she says nothing. once again i pull her close and place my hand over one of her now exposed breast. there is a sharp intake of air and she finally turns around to face me.

her eyes are a deep shade of brown. almost black but not nearly there. "i want you" she whispers. for a moment i stare back in shock at the whole strangeness of the scene and then she kisses me.

i feel her tongue flicker across my lips and then slowly probe it open. i let her. without warning she places her hands onto my thighs and i shudder as it moves upward hidden under the white dress i wear. she slides it across the edge of my panty and pulls down. i pull away in horror as it falls to the ground. i'm soaked i realise.

i take a step back and she stands there smiling back at me, welcoming me.

*~*~*~*~*

there is a desire to continue writing but suddenly i am afraid of what one would think. so i'll stop here. the above is nothing but a figment of my imagination and the random wants i have. my curiosity and my needs.

sorry if any of you may somehow have found this offending but yeah whatever. i'll just continue this little story in my head =3

Alcohol Overdose

2009-09-26T14:02:00.003+08:00

the past 2 days have been met with downing of liquor in proportions rarely seen by many in terms of me. i rarely drink. i wonder why i said okay to everyone.this including strangers instead of my usual shake of the head. i even said okay to 2 inches of pure whisky. i do not like the taste of pure whisky but it tasted fine that day.

my shisha had been tasteless yesterday. apparently only i felt that way. we concluded it had been the guiness draught i had been asked to down. yes. i do not drink slowly. it makes me sick.

i had fun yesterday.

Black Eyed Peas were amazing and i met the cutest family who danced with me. Cute son, my age adorable smile. I forgot his name. Not like me to forget a persons name when i had spent a good deal of time chatting with. It's okay. We have mutual friends. I'm sure we'll meet again someday.

i finally had more than 4 hours of sleep today. but is it really considered? i woke up at 8 plus 9 with a start and the usual empty feeling of the heart. the exhaustion of the past weeks had been too much and i closed my eyes again surpressing the tears i have been keeping inside over the days in attempt to hold myself up. unknowingly i had fallen asleep and woken up 3 hours later. 7 hours of sleep. well done i tell myself. but i am tired now. tired and lazy. yet disgustingly restless as i have continuously been.

a friend of yours asked about you yesterday. i told him you were ignoring me. ignoring me by not replying my sms-es but he said that's normal for u. is it? i remember you used to reply every message even a random one like me wanting dim sum at 3 in the morning. you even replied when i said i missed you. long time story now huh?

the laugher on your friends face had been much apparent. "amused?" he said yes and i asked if he found it weird that it was me. his answered had been no. it's normal that it was me. but it was because it had been you that it became news to those around. why? why does everyone say the same thing. is there something i'm missing here?? if so, someone please tell me now.

i am tired.

so why do i still dig around for reasons to see you in dec this time around. the tickets are getting more and more expensive and where the hell am i going to stay now.

3 weeks in 3 Mins by Fugz

2009-09-24T19:31:00.003+08:00

and then i am hit with a short blow to the mind and pain is then felt in the salty taste of bitter remorse.

i dont know whats going on in my mind. but memories are my biggest enemies this time.

and i miss you now. more than i had anticipated myself to.

Quiet Thursday

2009-09-24T17:30:00.004+08:00

it's been unusually quiet today. i feel so blank. the same lost lonely feeling since i woke up until now. thats over 6 hours. not even lunch with the monkeys of hypertune cheered me up. forced myself to finish my noodles today. it was a small plate but it was really good. i feel sick now though.

today i had my first mini accident.

i went up the touch and go curb and hit something. my door dented inwards and i couldnt open it. but it's fine now. still dented and needs a new paint job. but nothing to serious. it was a funny incident. but thinking about it now. i had been so unfocused i hadnt even realised what had happened until i felt the impact.

you've got me so wrapped up in self delusion i'm loosing focus in everything i do. someone asked why i was so quiet 2 days ago. yesterday someone else said it's weird being around me. i asked why. he answered because i barely say anything and i keep spacing out contrary to how i usually am. and all those times i had been thinking about you.

you you you. its always about you. why? how did my defence crumble so easily. how DID I even let u in just like that? unfathomable. even for me.

my spacing out periods have gotten longer and more frequent. todays accident had been one of those times.

i'm losing myself.

Nightmares and Weight Loss

2009-09-24T11:27:00.002+08:00

i have started to hate sleep. a rare exclamation from someone who used to spend half her days refusing to acknowledge the fact that its time to get up.

over the past month falling asleep has been one of the hardest things to do. the dark silence makes it almost impossible to block out memories of you and every 2-3 days you come haunting in my dreams. i have never been through such an ordeal before. and i dont know how much longer i can hold up lying to everyone and myself that i'm going to be okay when clearly im not.

i have lost over 3 KGS in the past weeks. a feat one would find rather amazing for someone who loves food as much as me. you should know, you adored trying to see how much food i could really take. that night in your arms you had one hand over my stomach and started playing with it. you have no idea how self conscious that made me. i wanted to push your hand away, that is until you said "you fat meh? no what. nice mar like this. too skinny not good." you made me smile but i hid it from u and answered coldly "fatter than last time la" and closed my eyes with a a contented sigh.

but it isnt falling asleep that's the most painful. it's waking up. everytime i feel myself stir the first thing that happens is that annoying clenching of the heart. i have not woken up happy and alive in quite a while.

i still wonder everyday what was those messages you left in my msn while i had been away. if they had really been nothing you would have told me.

i trusted you ....

15 Feb 09 @ Hypertune Car Shoot + Dinner at Fridays

2009-09-24T01:32:00.004+08:00

them boys

in kennys car!

elaine!

oohh err

wheeeee

mini us

sexy smexy

subaruuuuuu love

haha aeman so cool

cuz we cool like that yo

damn fast sunburnt

super sweaaattyy

animal porn. ahem

anon =( i miss

the parents

wth is this i also forgot man

mac n cheese

some jack daniels chicken?

er..dessert...

Soon

2009-09-23T10:08:00.004+08:00

over and over again the same words are repeated back at me. and over and over again i wonder if you meant the words you said or you say it to everyone out of courtesy or perhaps habit.

"i'll see you soon k?" was the last thing whispered in my ears at the airport in what felt like the longest most paiful hug i've ever had in a long long time. i couldnt even bring myself to stand up when you looked at me and said "not even a hug?" to which i could only weakly react with a false smile on my face by holding my arms out for one while being still seated on those cold iron chairs.

the minute your sight disappeared i sat alone drowning in my own unhidden sobs while passerbys walked past and gave me a look of knowing and heartfelt understanding.

"i'll see you soon k." had then been repeated on the phone in those little times i had found the courage to call.

yesterday it was different. yesterday u ended it with something almost similiar and i remember you saying it only once when i called while u were having dinner.

"i'll talk to u soon k?" why do u always end my calls that way. they always leave place for questions. it's hard to tell whether it's positive or negative and it claws at me every single time.

see you soon always meant see you soon in the past because the next day or the next few days you would schedule a meal with me. never once had your words ended in false pretense because even if you didnt make it on the intended date you would always make it up to me the next day.

so when does see you soon apply now? it was meant to be december until you unexpectedly blew me off. the money i refused to use in order to buy my air tickets are still kept nicely in a box and stupidly my funds are being thrifted as much as possible in order to add to that. why? i could use it to buy anything else so why am i saving for a trip that's not going to happen? i am blinded. more blinded that i would ever expect myself to be.

so what about talk to you soon. you never ever call except to tell me you're back in KL and to ask if i want to eat. that or when you're outside my house. but you never really liked messages now that i think about it. you always asked me to call instead. you're not going to call me. i know this. were your words meant to encourage me that it's okay for me to call or were u not thinking and those words just came spurting out.

hot cold hot cold.

you're more confusing than i had known you to be.

Sleepless Pain

2009-09-22T11:05:00.002+08:00

tired stinging eyes stare repeatedly at the silent pink phone you had once promised to get but resulted in confusion and many disappointed apologies from your side. it doesnt matter that in the end it wasnt you who pulled strings for me but suddenly it is remembered how you did actually try. pointless memory really but today everything you did or everything that reminds me of you cuts deep like the sharp knives you and i both so blatantly adore.

i was in good company at midnight today, in good spirits in fact but slowly i could feel this tugging sensation in my heart and that annoying akward restlessness overcame. i was not tired i know but i could not bear to be in the presence of people i cared dearly for at 3 this morning. in the car on the empty roads my tears spilled like liquid crystals while i screamed the lyrics of every sad love song that came on the radio.

my house was still alive, people playing mahjong and watching tv. how unusual. at that hour it was usually dead quiet and i entered silent with a hard face; so much that no one as much as even bothered to say their usual exchange of formalities. they could tell i wanted to be alone. not even a whim from her on my arrival home at such an obscene hour.

occupy yourself screamed my head. i buried myself in my blankets and pulled my latest book open after a mere an hour on the internet. i shouldnt read such books. books that start with lust, continues in anguish and abandonment but ends in happy smiles. it gives me false hope. hopes that i know should not even exist.

it nearing 7. stop i told myself you have to go to bed and get up early for a lunch date.

i awoke 3 times in less than 4 hours dreaming that you had called. called to ask if i still wanted to come for christmas like how i had originally intended and you had unthinkinly said okay. repeated flips of the phone and an empty screen stared back and the unmoving flicker of the time left me dumbfounded and in shock. i had not slept, not really.

now only semi conscious and my tired mind in a flurry of confused emotions i am unable to go back to sleep. i close my eyes and there the image of you propped up against me with your head cocked to one side observing my reaction to your words stare back at me.

"what if i kiss you?"

you hadnt even given me a chance to think or react. i had barely even opened my mouth to answer you before you placed your lips possessively over mine. it was the sheer aggressiveness of your kiss that subdued me that night. it was a long rough kiss. it was not the usual soft slow kisses i favoured but the exact opposite and yet i allowed myself to yield to your every whim and want. almost.

memories i should forget. memories i should let go off just like you told me too.

"think of it all as just a dream. good bye ginny."

who even says shit like that anymore? it took you over 2 weeks to finally really stop replying. that had not been your last message to me. the last one had been "ok. love and peace." that is until your housemate probed you into at least saying something about the letter you received. the last message was cold yet civil. an act of someone who didn't want to care but did so just to appease the public. it still sits in my inbox mocking me.

why am i so deadly infactuated by you? how could i be? i refuse to believe that i am in love for i know you are not. i was nothing but a mere crush to you. a crush that had lasted for quite a while in my blind unrealising eyes. you finally had me, and then my appeal is gone. just another conquest.

"time and fate is not on our side."

how can you tell really?

it was fate that made that damn ticket 20 bucks cheaper than what i had made my maximum. i never really intended to go. i just said i'll think about it to silence you for a while. i figured the idea of shopping there hadnt much appealed to me considering how tightly on a budget i was. you told me to come for 2 days. it was fate that made the cheapest tickets a day and a half longer. and it was in that extra day and a half that chaos had ensued.

did fate really play itself out so carelessly or was it my own recklessness that put me in my current disposition? time. we have all the time in the world. wheres your hurry love? because im damned as well willing to wait that extra year out to fly there for even that slight chance of reconcilation.

"just go there. i don't believe he dont care lo when you're right in front of his eyes" your god sister had said. i can't tell if she was just saying that to shut me up or she was giving me actual advice. that's a long time more. i know because i have been counting the days since i left.

i am at a loss at what to do right now. i had a plan all ready in my childish dumb head but my inability to sleep peacefully today has made my plan seem pointless and futile.

i should stop hoping. i should stop believing that you had really cared. i give myself ugly expectations of things to come. painting images of your reaction to my pathethic attempts, each image a clear cut shadow of rejection. each laced with accurate details of your favourite words and that nochalant way you usually answer. every idea, every knowledge tells me to walk away yet everyday my heart still beats in fury everytime a private number appears.

and breaks again everytime because it is never,

never you.

Stolen

2009-09-21T02:43:00.003+08:00

how does one really determine when it's love and when it's nothing but mere lust? is it really possible to fall in love in a mere 2-3 days or is it from all the movies and books that we read that causes us to believe in such a perception.

the book i was reading today poked needles in my heart and the resemblance of how the intimacy began and abruptly ended made me smile. it was so much like what had happened that night and it's image did both to hurt and to cheer me up.

"i really have feelings for you..."

you told me this the day i left and then something else a few days back. but i believe in these words a whole deal more. those replayed images might have betrayed me but i remember with every distinct detail how possesively you held my hand to sleep and how tightly u held me close. along with those whispered mumbles i pretended not to hear just so you would repeat them again in your sleepy stupor.

and then there were those moments where i turned and snuggled myself on your chest and automatically your arms would close themselves around me and a smile played on your lips.

but what i remembered most was the time i played the ps3 and i got so agitated i wanted to throw the control at the screen. all of a sudden u sat down next to me and put your head on my shoulder in that strange manja way i've never seen you behave. i didnt know how to react so i ignored you and continued playing but still there was a look of utter content that stayed on your face even when in the end all it got you was a pat on the head. that was your one random manja moment with me and i cant help but feel helpless at the thought of losing you even as a friend.

was i really that easy to let go and forget? or does it hurt you when i call? you're so puzzling sometimes. indecisively so.

you have really smooth skin. did you know that? that was what went through my mind the first time my hand held your bare back.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

i thought my feelings had almost entirely evaporated yet i find myself still constantly checking your msn and facebook statuses. today's one struck a chord in my heart strings and i felt this familiar sensation sting the back of my eyes.

i want to call you and tell you i miss you.

yet somehow i think you're much happier right now and i would hate myself if somehow i took those newfound happiness away from you.

but really, i do miss you and yes, i do still love you.

Cold Emotions

2009-09-19T11:44:00.003+08:00

empty. silent. cold. just when i blog about how it no longer hurts that way, i wake up in this surreal emptiness. it does still hurt. this is bullshit.

i dreamt of you last night. again. i dont normally dream of the same person repeatedly over the sequnce of weeks. this time it wasnt a happy one. this one didnt make me miss you. this one made my heart drop and break like red crystal shards smashed against the wall.

promised afternoon dates and plans but now i feel like hiding myself in my room and being left alone to cry.

it hurts. it still breaks me.

i guess im really not that strong.

Pink Foam

2009-09-19T02:01:00.003+08:00

yesterday was a pretty good day. 4 hours of sleep and forcing myself to wake up was worth it for the time spent with my much loved baby boys and baby boy K's "cannabis freedom" girl.

over 12 hours in their company and i know im going to miss them like crazy when they leave.

it was an interesting day; flash floods, blinking street lights and the repetition of the numbers 22 and 222 way too many times.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

home again i stood in the shower covered in foam and i stared at my reddish pink shower gel.

"you like pink right?"

i never really realised but its funny how you knew because i never really said or squealed at anything pink in front of you before.or have i? am i really that transparent sometimes?

showers remind me of you.

i woke you up complaining that we were going to be late and you insisted that you wanted to bath. i shrugged it off and when you came out you found me asleep on your bed. then it was your turn to wake me up and you just had to rub it in.

"you see! you wake me up so early and then now you go back to sleep instead!!"

it wasnt sarcastic it wasnt mean, you said it with a smile and i sheepishly buried myself deeper under the warm comfort of your bed. before i could answer you kissed me on my nose and went downstairs to wait.

it doesnt hurt like the feeling of betrayal anymore but every little thing still remind of you and my heart still clenches at the thought.

today, baby boy K and his "canabis" girl sat together reading the book you had bought . i placed it on the shelf untouched for quite a while now because it's sight played out random memories of your presence around. out in the hands of someone else, the book once again reminded me of you. haha what else? coincidently, you happened to buy me the shirt i was wearing today as well.

i guess i never really noticed the impact of you until right now.

almost a month.

you hold the record. and even im amazed at myself.

Fight

2009-09-17T22:28:00.003+08:00

"i dare you to move" - Dare You To Move, Switchfoot

and i will push myself to my limits just to see you, even if it will only happen a year later. maybe i might change my mind, probably i will but right now my motivation is you. and until those feelings fade, i will not lose.

Fancy much?

2009-09-16T19:42:00.002+08:00

your message sits unmoving in my inbox. your first message in over a week. it doesnt hurt me the way one would think it does. it was a message i had expected. it was what you did not reply that hurts me the most.

"...i fancy you..."

do you even know what that word really means? it contradicts the sentence that came before that. i want to laugh at the whole ridiculous idea of it all but instead i cringe everytime someone says your name.

which is ironic.

because suddenly everyone around me is associated with you. people i rarely ever see are now people that appear like mushrooms growing in that damp darkened area. people you see almost everyday when you were back here, yet those people i never got to meet.

i sat in your tattoo artist house yesterday and the number of times your name was repeated could have killed me that day. you were suppose to bring me there in august. thinking about it now its funny because it was a tuesday as well. alot of shit happens on tuesday doesnt it?

"i dont care ginny you're coming with me. youre going to sit there for 6 hours and pui me."

that tuesday i called to ask what time you were coming to get me. and then you told me you forgot to tell me you cant anymore because your car broke down and your friend was getting you. so you left me stranded in college and i never got to go.

over a month later on the same day i sit on the couch in a place i no longer expected to see. it drained me but in a weird way i was happy and i dont even know why.

i took my first afternoon nap in quite a while today. it wasnt such a smart idea. i woke up feeling as shit as i did the day you stopped replying. and the moment i woke up i felt naked somehow. totally bare, as fragile as glass and then i remembered the way you had held me before. and like a piece of shortbread, i crumbled.

i miss you.

and i wish i could forget.

6 Feb 09 @ Fugz Birthday, Carlos Pavilion

2009-09-16T18:09:00.003+08:00

potato skins!

massive burger

like seriously. as big as my head

nachos love.

cake from his mum.

CHENG CHENG CHENGGGGGGGG

big eyed

he has a weird way of showing happiness.

yes apparentl he was happy and excited. not scared. wtf

shisha laaaa

16-17 Feb 09 @ Random

early bday present for me.

siapa lagi? kakak laaaaah

fatness in a box

kitty meets bunnies

Toss and Turn

2009-09-15T06:36:00.002+08:00

6.00 A.M and as always i am wide awake. you would think that i get up at this time to go to class or something but no, that's pretty far off.

today is a tuesday.

it was on a tuesday i sat watching you sleep without a single thought in my mind. or so i had apparently thought until i started crying and sort of almost woke u up. at least it was a tuesday night almost wednesday i know but thats besides the point.

it suddenly started raining.

and i am reminded of your look when the stupid umbrella flipped itself that day. you went to the mini mart, would you call it a mini mart? im not sure. but you went to buy lights and i was pacing around the house.

you could have left me there with your house mate and not say anything but you asked me if i wanted to take a walk with you and without even realising i answered yes and was given that faulty umbrella you proved very much amused at.

i dont normally agree to walks in the rain, especially not when it's nice and warm inside so why did i say yes?

3 weeks now and you're still playing games in my head.

This Life - Mandalay

2009-09-14T12:23:00.002+08:00

You couldnt even bring yourself

To stay, oh no
You had to go
Spoil it all
I know you had to go
Now I find these endlessly
Colourblind days
To fill
You never will

(take this life)
Take this life
Take it all
In your hands
You were mine
I could smile
You understand, fine

Again
I dream
You come to me
(come back to me)
And comfort me
But now I dream
Where did this time go
Where did this time go
Did your love go

I know
You have to go
Spoil it all
And now I know
You never will

(take this life)
Take this life
Take it all
In your hands
You were mine
I could smile
You understand, fine

(take this life)
Take this life
Take it all
In your hands
You were mine
I could smile
Again

Just what you said was cold advice
I discovered sticks go with knives
I discovered I could die in your chains
Still I feel, so wont you stay
Oh, babe

(take this life)
Take this life
Take it all
In your hands
You were mine
I could smile
You understand, fine

(take this life)
Take this life
Take it all
In your hands
You were mine
I could smile
Again

Morning Apocalypse

2009-09-13T11:29:00.003+08:00

it's been over 2 weeks now of tearful mornings and that uneasy discomfort of the unsettled heart. arrival of such depressive air comes from my awakening each hazy morning. that and the wee hours before i am able to tire myself enough to fall asleep.

the picture of my smile above feels almost painful to watch because it is now masked with feelings of your contradicting words of lost care.

today is sunday.

this picture was taken on a sunday.

you brought me there.

Half Boiled Eggs

2009-09-13T03:53:00.003+08:00

are one of my favourite random snacks. yummy anytime of the day =)

so much that at one point i had about 8 of them every day for a week.

2.30 a.m in the morning. supper after concert with self proclaimed bf who normally takes the title 2nd bf and has been promoted to self proclaimed bf no 1 for much obvious reasons. (his whole family thinks we're dating anyway. zzzz.)

so i was staring at my eggs in front of me and i suddenly remembered.

you are probably the only one who will automatically crack open my eggs for me without me asking. heh. one look at my frown and my pathethic attemps to lift the eggs usually does the trick.

even though it has probably only been 2x or 3x. the thought of it still makes me smile.

Words of forgotten Africa 2010

2009-09-12T12:27:00.002+08:00

"no lorrr... i super wanna go to South Africa lor!"

"really? hey, wanna go next year?"

"seriously ah? for what? no money wei"

"Fifa 2010 is in Africa next year. you can take a plane from KL and i'll take one from here and i'll meet you there k?"

"HAHAHAHA FIFA? you're kidding right?"

"aiyohhh Ginny, i never ask you watch with me right. while im watching the game you can go do your shopping or something la!

*~*~*~*~*~*

at that moment those words never meant a thing to me. i took it as a joke, something i would brush off and forget in the next instant because who am i kidding? there's no way i can save up enough to actually go there. And then there's the question of you. Would you really crazily enough fly all the way there just to watch some matches considering how busy you claim to apparently be.

how unexpected that i would suddenly remember this now. i wonder if you do? i wonder if you even remember anything you've ever said to me at all.

those whispered words i pretended not to hear or acknowledge.

and it stings.

because everyday a new forgotten memory appears and everyday i look at my phone willing for you to call knowing how stupid the whole idea of it even is.

because deep down i know, i was never really of any importance to you after all. just a passer by you see every once in a while. =')

and like the child that i am, i still sit here hoping.

Window and Swollen Lip Tragedy

2009-09-12T00:49:00.003+08:00

so i was trying to parallel park the car and decided to stick my head out because im crap like that. halfway through i was sticking my head back in and i did the dumbest thing possible.

i pressed up on the damn window button. realising that it was moving up i paniced but the hole was too small and i couldnt pull my head back in so i tried to press down.

but as fate would have it with my at least an accident a day history, i pressed the wrong button and closed it even more. THUS resulting in the window hitting my jaw and me biting into my lip T_T

i now have a swollen bleeding lip on the left side and like all of my tragedies, i have work tomorrow which involves photographers. omfg.

and this my dear readers is the tragic story of my life.

woohoo.

and i wasnt even drunk. i wonder what would happen if i was. hm

10 P.M hits

2009-09-10T22:36:00.004+08:00

i can tell what time it is by that empty feeling in my heart.it's weird i guess but it's been like that every single day since i last heard your cold unwilling voice. haha. how many days has it been really? not that many i guess but feels like it's been a while.

i called you today.i rarely have the guts to press dial. your voicemail answered me. i've never heard your voicemail before but it left a weird kind of sadness today. it wasnt the voice i was used to hearing but the voice i last heard. tired, cold and unhappy.

i miss hearing you call my name and that funny way you drag your words and thank yous. i miss the way your eyes sparkle when you laugh at my mishaps despite the fact you always insist that you're not laughing.

im thinking about that day when i walked past what one would consider one of my favourite brands without a second glance and you stood a few metres in front. you stopped, turned around and snickered while i continued to walk straight on. "eh? why arent your eyes glowing like they usually do when you want something?" were the words that escaped your mouth.

i rolled my eyes and said there was nothing of interest, only to stop in front of the pet shop you very quickly walked past. i clung to the window and stared at that little ball of fur and squealed like the kid i was "CAN WE BRING IT HOME?!" and you answered the way u always did to my overly naive demands. "haha, no ginny im not going to take care of it and it's going to die. anyway my apartment doesnt allow pets." you never did call me anything other than my name but it was always the way you said it that remains imprinted in my dumb head.

i miss you still.

and it's amazing how everyday i can still cry.

Instant Replay

2009-09-09T06:07:00.002+08:00

i figured i would be fine by now, i usually am after such a prolonged time left alone to be down. but no, im not okay and it doesnt even matter to you anymore does it?

"wheres your new bf? u not very heng damn fast got new bf wan meh?"
funny how those words came from u that day but like the way u knew me, those words were true werent they? totally irrelevant to anything but those words keep replaying themselves over and over again in my head. why?

"...i can't let my feelings control me right now..."
then why did u let it before? why didnt u shut the fuck up and leave me be like u apparently had all this while before? i thought u knew my stories well enough inside out to know how it would play out somehow. did u think this time it would be any different or did u think this time i would take it all as a game?

"...i think you should just forget about this relationship..."
haha. funny. what relationship? you never really established one did you? and like as stupid as it all seems, so why? why am i still hurting from all those words u said and those short lived memories you left?

"none ginny. i swear. only you..."
i laughed when you said that.corny as hell i swear. and then i didnt believe you. turned around and pretended i didnt hear but you continued and i found it hard not to trust you. yet now i find it so unbelievable because if i were, you wouldnt have left me to cry now ...would you? and now replaying those words in my head, it's because its so corny it sounds so artificial now somehow.

so many more things that keep repeating themselves in my head. so many more words, so many more actions. and everytime one runs by, the sting of your abandonment lashes across my beating heart and tears spring out like the day you sent me those last few messages. "im sorry, its all my fault. just forget about me, i'll never bother you again." or what i thought would have been your last messages. but no, they werent.

"you will always have a place with me but ..."
lies. they feel like such lies. they feel like words said just to try and save yourself.

i can' tell whats fiction from truth anymore. i can't tell who you are or who i am to you. or what i even was. and i wish i could hate you. but it's fucked up how after all those instant replays and insecurities left to seep into the cracks of your mind games, i dont. and instead i miss you like it was just yesterday you held me close.

Fear - False Hope

2009-09-07T17:23:00.003+08:00

it's rare for me to make up my mind on something. even rarer for me to make up my mind and initiate it.

this time im pretty sure with my decision and what i want to do. only problem now is whether my parents are capable of forking out the cash.

so far it looks like an okay but still waiting for a definite answer.

im afraid. im afraid of hearing words of the opposite manner. i finally feel a little bit more at ease at my decision but what if the answer is no. and back into my dreary routine i go.

believe.

(edit: and right now i am unhappy.... fuck this shit..)

14 Feb 09

2009-09-07T13:06:00.003+08:00

dont know why my vday pics consist of these but yea whatever. havent picture spamemed in a long time but fucken windows 7 and HP printers giving me a hell of a headache so i figured screw it. might as well spam my blog

yes yes fat face. whatever

dodgy much

hahaha poor baby rabbit had a teeth overgrowth problem

the mess that is my room.

Blue Blue Skies

2009-09-05T19:11:00.002+08:00

in Australia there was always this issue with the skies being very blue. in the car one day someone said the skies here are really blue. might have been me might not have been me, i really cant remember right now. someone answered back isnt the skies in malaysia blue? and in response i remember saying, nah not really sometimes maybe but most of the time its a really pale kind of blue.

since ive been back, the skies of KL have been an amazing kind of colour. right now the view outside my windows pretty spectacular. the blue is such a deep kind of colour with swirls of yellow white and orange, a tinge of purple laced around like a sort of glowing halo.

i miss my happy weather days and that smile on your face. thinking about it now, i wish i could giggle at u while u wince everytime i say NO! i want to walk in the sun! and after each moan of noooooooo ginny you would smile anyway.

should i go to hong kong with my very vain friend. hm.? no xind =p its not u but her name sounds like yours. hahaha

Unexpected

2009-09-04T09:05:00.003+08:00

that i would end up falling down so hard or do what i never anticipated myself to do.

"that's what you think I want to be
cry, cry for you

an empty heart that sees me through
cry, cry for you

just like you knew I wouldn't do
cry cry for you

just like a song in the last light
cry, cry for you"

i should hate u right now. hate u for how you chose to abandon me. but i can't. and then i realise. maybe it's because what i never admitted to you would actually come true. maybe, just maybe i've fallen in love with you.

9 Hours

2009-09-03T17:18:00.002+08:00

i've been sitting here. yesterday i was told by 3 different people that they would come look for me today.

today none of them shows up and none of them are answering my calls.

"Everybody seems so far away from me
Everybody just wants to be free
Look away from the sky
Its no different when youre leaving home "

I'm not upset. Just somewhat heartbroken. Sometimes i think i really hate this place.

Sleepless

2009-09-03T09:05:00.002+08:00

i hate falling asleep alone.

i hate waking up not having anyone beside me to hold on too or give me a smile and then a kiss on my forehead or the bridge of my nose.

i dreamt of you last night. i woke up with a restless heart and tears in my eyes. it was a good dream. happy. but now the memory of it burns because you're not here when i open my eyes and reach out.

and the clumsy princess who's eyes apparently sparkle when there's something she wants is left dull eyed and broken in the heart of KL.

Long Showers

2009-09-02T20:41:00.003+08:00

feels so different here.

i hate winter. i hate the weather but one thing i relished was the long hot showers i would take everyday before i had to brave the much dreaded cold. i love how the warmth spreads and the fruity sweet smells of shower foam would lock themselves in my senses.

i dont usually take long showers, not even when im at breaking down point sprawled on the floor and crying.

just a moment ago i felt like taking one of my long showers with my pretty pink shower cream i brought all the way back from australia. i lasted approximately 10 minutes before finding it strange. came out and my shower felt different.

everyones home now. my heads clouding over and the noise level here is pushing at my buttons. there really is no peace for me here is there? at least not till the wee mornings. maybe thats why i hate going to classes so much. leaving when i feel most at home and having to come home to this havoc that drives me insane.

maybe i should have left earlier.

right now my heart is beating at an unusually fast rate and my hands are threatening to clench into a fist faced towards the wall. i can see the veins starting to appear.

this house agitates me.

Back in KL

2009-09-02T16:03:00.002+08:00

and ive never felt lazier.

maybe its KL or maybe it's just me. on holiday i thought abt exams and studying and how if im planning on going to Sydney for study break i'd lug my books along with me. Coming back i just found out classes started yesterday when i thought it was next week and all my head can go is FML. im skipping class this week. screw it.

im hungry.

where's everyone.

why does KL feel so empty all of a sudden. it's pretty lonely here isnt it. now that i really think about it.

" Tell me what is on your mind
Help me 'cause I'd like to know
What the hell is going on
Never thought I'd sing this song

Let's not get started with the he said she said
Sometimes it just doesn't go as planned "

never thought i'd start crying so early with my life back here. I've always loved KL, i still do but right now i want to be anywhere else but here.

Walking on the streets where nobody knows me and i know nobody. Ciggie in hand and tears running down my face nobody's gonna give a flying fuck out there. And sometimes i guess that's the way i like it.

I want to sit out there on those rocks facing the sea and just let time pass by me. Or lie in the grass and stare at the sky like i had all the time in the world with that warm sun splashed across my skin while that gentle breeze plays with my hair and tickles my smiling face.

KL no longer feels like home.

Mirrored Lies

2009-08-31T11:38:00.003+08:00

Those hazel eyes stare back at me, it's shine lost somewhere in those gloomy skies outside. Water falls from above and then i taste something salty as i watch myself cry under the showers. Finally the mirror fogs over and my reflection is hidden but i cant help but think, what if i cut myself right now. Wouldnt it be a pretty sight to watch my blood flow with the water tainting the tub red.

Do you know how much pain im going through right now?

Do you?

Do you even know how much tears i have spilled for you?

" why you come here during rainy season? damn bad luck lor you " - Eveline

haha. the irony. everytime it rains here i cry.

just take me back in time. to say the words i had to say and to do those things i wished i did. i just needed a little more time.

" go talk to him about it now la!. don't regret later k? " - Xind

i am incapable of talking about it. not because i dont want to but because i can't. im afraid. i was afraid and i think this time maybe it's too late.

In Need Of

2009-08-30T14:47:00.004+08:00

what? i really dont know.

a chill pill perhaps.

im a ball of negativity.

restless and tired.

say something.

xind i need you.

aaron come back. i need you too.

3 more months.

should i?

should i not??

1 more year.

will i?

will i not??

answer me.

Melbourne Day 3

2009-08-28T08:33:00.002+08:00

and still i wake up feeling like my hearts going to fall out of my chest. you know that feeling where u wake up and feel like the world's just shit and you wake up cranky and pissed off at everything and everyone.

in the 3 days i have been here i have refused to step out of this house going out only once to the city yesterday. after 2 hours i was exhausted and all i felt like doing was going back home to cry under the covers.

the weather isnt really that bad but for some reason i seem to have lost my smile.

last night, i snapped at a very close friend of mine. he's always been quite a dickhead but not in a bad way kind just the i trust you enough and i know you dont mind so i can be this way kind of thing. ive always been fine with it just laughing it off but last night i snapped.

my mood was so shit i hade a sushi roll for lunch and nothing else. amazing really considering how much i've been eating since i got to australia and how it's winter. that and a cookie bryan bought me in sydney in hopes that it would cheer me up. triple chocolate fudge, definitely sounds like something that would cheer anyone up huh. it was a good cookie just like he said but it did nothing for me but miss Sydney even more.

i fell asleep upset, hungry and pissed off.

and today i woke up feeling the same.

i remember feeling something like this the last time i was in melbourne. i wonder why. maybe this place and me just dont get along very well.

right now, all i want to do is sit under the showers and cry my eyes out.

Tear Stained Journey

2009-08-26T20:18:00.002+08:00

if i chose to write my emotions as i watched the two of them walk away from me, no words could possibly describe how empty i felt. at least not in ways i am able to write.

i hadnt expected the tears to hit me that fast or that hard but from the walk outside into the terminal and onto the plane my tears did not stop. and i cried myself to sleep on that plane staring at the lights of the city that stole my heart.

i remember crying the night before but no one noticed. staring at the ceiling i felt the sheets around me get damp as my breathing got harder. i got up, took a look around the room i had been staying in and walked down to that sofa i loved and spent much hours just stoning at.

there i sat curled up staring at the red or pink lights bryan so conveniently pointed out knowing how attracted to pink i apparently am and thought to myself why the hell am i even crying over something as dumb as leaving a city like Sydney. and then it hit me and i cried so hard i could barely breathe.

how do u cry so much after being in a place for just a mere 3 days?

theres so much more i want to say but i guess there really isnt much left to say really.

i left a part of my heart in sydney and right now i dont even know how the hell am i going to get it back.

time to snap back into reality princess.

Fallen In Love

2009-08-25T17:28:00.002+08:00

and i have fallen hard for the city of Sydney. strange really. it's not my first time here but everything feels so new and welcoming.not something i would expect from a city like this. feels like home =)

gonna fucken miss the weather here and home cooked meals =) and hyper active Kim who comes back every 4 months anyway =p hahah stupid girl too much time wei.

walking around today i had a lot of things on my mind just waiting to be splashed onto my way too pink blog but sitting here now as always i really do not know what to say.

i spent the day in silence today. not an upset kind of silence but a deep in thought just to absorb everything kind of silence. i like this kind of silence. instead of being watched im just part of the background, staring quietly and watching everything move around me. feels good.

it's peaceful where i am. i feel different somehow.

amd i know i will leave tomorrow with tears in my eyes.

Laptop, Home Made Mushroom soup and Them Boys

2009-08-23T15:50:00.002+08:00

its only been less than 12 hours in Sydney and i feel very much at home.

it's rare to walk into a house and feel like you've been living there all your life. The couches an earthly tone, soft and just the right size coupled with some very pretty pillows just lying here while i watch the boys cook is enough to make me fall asleep with a smile.

speakers plugged into the laptop and a very me kind of playlist makes it all the better and yet it makes me kind of sad to know that i'll only be here for such a short period of time.

right now the smell of freshly made mushroom soup, yes the kind made from scratch fills the room and my eyes are half closed as the melody of one republic flits past my ears.

i am happy today.

yes i am.

hey you, i saw a bunch of asians skating in china town today and it reminded me of you =) you would love sydney. let's come again one day.

Hi From Sydney

2009-08-23T10:22:00.003+08:00

and i am loving it here. the weather is effing gorgeous after what ive been throught. bloody hell the weather is so good im tempted to go pop into a shop buy a bikini and just waste my 3 days here lazing on the beach or something. Alas, i am too lazy to wax my legs and yes it is extremely essential considering how much has grown over my hidden winter legs. pfft.

winter makes u lazy and produces excessively hairy girls like me .___.

touched down with virgin blur airlines which is btw now my favourite budget airlines because the seats are really comfy and there's enough leg space for ya =D

greeted by lovely lovely sun and had the most scruptious organic breakfast. yeay! i love organic food =)

and the weather is so nice here i have no clothes to wear "=_= because i packed according to what i thought it would be like in perth and melb. zzzz.

i feel like rollerblading. ho hum.

xind!! u should sooooo be here.

happy happy joy joy

xinD in the house;)

2009-08-22T01:10:00.004+08:00

findafullmoon is on

hello readers of obs3ssionsz.net.

:*)

ginny is currently on the plane off to melbourne . and shuushh she doesnt have a clue that im hijacking her blog:P. oh well! gosh one week has seriously passed by in a jiffy!!!!!

0___0. dude andill be seeing her in less than 5 months!

thanks for visiting me in perth ginnnnz!

okkay i better leave now :)

nights darling cupcakes of obs3ssionsz.net.

Artificial Happy

2009-08-20T11:01:00.003+08:00

its been almost a week here and as much as i love the place there's this nagging feeling of wanting to get away from it. on reasons why, it goes along the lines of feeling a wee bit out of place and not exactly feeling at home when at home.

watching people in different environments and watching how differently they behave upsets me a little because sometimes the changes arent exactly in the best of ways or the most welcoming of aura. don't get me wrong, im probably the same but i guess when you arrive somewhere expecting something the after maths can end up quite devastating.

or maybe it's just me. strange how asian everything really is here and as asian as i am, fitting into the asian environment here is like asking me a duck to go make friends with a flock of chickens. it's just too different in a sense that it isnt the side of asians i really like. Jess C! i miss you!! boo to you for leaving me so early. hmph!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

had the biggest mug of beer at 230 PM in the afternoon yesterday and the cutest waiter served us. she was tall and skinny with this really shy smile yet she had a nose ring indicating she really isnt as innocent as she looks.

i spent a good deal of my time sipping my beer and watching her dart around with this adorably worried look she had plastered on most of the time. she made me smile =)

cant wait for sydney! shop till we drop =D

Video Hello in Sepia

2009-08-18T19:09:00.003+08:00

Pumps

2009-08-18T11:18:00.003+08:00

i guess when im away from everyone and everything i kind of stop wanting to blog because i just run out of things to blog about. either that or im just too lazy.

so far perth has been treating me fairly well but budgeting is going to be the death of me. dang nabbit i hate the exchange rate T_T and i hate having to think about how overweight my baggage is going to be. pfft. stupidity.com yo.

i have succumbed to buying pumps because i made the fatal mistake of wearing boots out for such long hours. hurhurhur. and pumps make me look like a carrot because my feet are so small. and i walk like a penguin in them. wtf. nat! maybe thats why u walk and run like a penguin. HUR HUR HUR.

on another note. i am still confused with myself. sigh

Greetings from Perth

2009-08-15T13:34:00.003+08:00

and the weather is hell messed up here. hhahaha. this morning i woke up to a hail storm and rolled back into bed because its way too cold to get up. hahaha

had bloody 20 AUD shisha yesterday holy shit but i have found my new love. apple+cinnamon tea. oh hell good! sam! ill show u when i get back!!

i love perth =) i love it as much as i did when i stayed here for a month 9 years ago. some things really never do change around here. same familiar streets with the same familiar shops. awesome much?

hell i talk like xind now. wtf.

Realisation

2009-08-13T01:46:00.004+08:00

and i am currently pretty much contented.

tears heartaches and confused head, i think things are slowly starting to piece themselves more clearly together. All those mish mashed psychedelicly mind fucking emotions are nothing more but coloured strokes drawing a picture of mine.

chilling session with friends newly met, or more like old acquaintainces that rarely talk was heartwarming in a sense. 3 girls browsing the aisles of borders and tesco, gigglings at random things and cooing over pretty covered paperbacks was such a delightfully refreshing event. thank you chingy and wendy ( sorry was it wendy?? i think it was wendy. lol ) for teman-ing me even though you guys could have gone =)

car rides, smooth shisha and random catching up with my 2 boys (self proclaimed bf and self proclaimed open relationship baby bf. you guys know who you are) made my day today. Light FM playing songs that would make anyone smile and that familiar highway i used to pass by so often holding his hand brought back memories and feelings once thought forgotten.

hey you, i really do miss you.just took me a little time to realise just how much.

hello down under! see you people soon! rarw

Pixar's Up

2009-08-12T01:09:00.002+08:00

is by far one of the best animations i have ever watched. this coming from the girl who hated wall-e because i found it boring. yeah cute smute it was hell draggy and i wanted to sleep in most scenes.

Up was one of the most emotional movies i have ever watched and less than 20 minutes into the movie tears were already brimming my eyes. it was amazing how much this movie tugged at my heart strings, playing with every known feeling i could muster the courage to allow to actually show.

i dont know what else to say but 2 thumbs up to pixars team. you guys blew my mind away. =)

Anxiety v2

2009-08-11T12:13:00.002+08:00

been waking up in this shitty mood over the past 3 days resulting in me hermit-ing myself at home close to tears every alternate hour.

i thought i was stronger than this. i should be stronger than this.

my heads spinning in unanswered questions. questions i dont even realise much less understand.
The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating

13th Feb 09

2009-08-10T17:17:00.001+08:00

and the early of 14th Feb, Valentines Day. be warned. this is an extremely picture heavy post. hohum. i noticed this albums really dark but yeah whateveer. how often do u see me edit my pics anyway. pretty much almost never

miko and my ass

scary smile

and i really did fall asleep "=_=

chippy baby

more ugly pics of me. good grief

nat chai being domesticated.

hello my illusion-ed long skinny hand friend

pink icing!

us poor sods who were commisioned to ice the beloved "guai lous" gfs vday present. pfft

not bad right my skills T_T say not bad

a bit squiggly la T___T

my name in corean apparently!

nats creation "=_=

i like this pic.

whos fingers?

"guai lou" and his girl =)

pretty cool pic

thats fugz btw

222 again laaaaa. telur setengah masak the bomb

wtf

interesting story behind this pic. hmm

Misty Escape

2009-08-10T11:55:00.003+08:00

on a very random emotional outburst yesterday danny boi decided to be a good friend ( as compared to his usual whines of harrr..so farrr your house ) and came at almost midnight with an initial plan to just have a short yum cha session as he was working the next day.

we drove down to KL with him constantly clicking next on his mp3 radio thingie insisting that it was bad karma for me to be listening to sad songs in my state. him smoking like a chimney and me not knowing where to go we went to damai and the amount of cars was such a put off. more random driving and he made a joke and went. hey lets go cameron!

and i was like wtf u serious? at this hour. scary wei.

and that is how we ended up in genting starbucks instead. both of us clad in shorts and a thin t shirt paired with slippers.

singing to jay chou i felt tears stream down my face as we drove up in near silence. silence in the sense we were both in our worlds connected only by the random bouts of lyrics we knew. it was refreshing. long car rides, good company and the right mood of music really does ones soul some good.

up in genting we talked, made stupid jokes, laughed, got frustrated and him almost freezing to death.

and i am undeniably grateful for friends like that. thank you for making me smile

i will never look at tortoises and turtles the same way again .___.

Distraught

2009-08-09T22:16:00.001+08:00

and i hate it.

tired of words. tired of emotions.

what the fuck is wrong with me.

Short

2009-08-07T22:27:00.003+08:00

Time has been flying by and it's always when you're about to go off on holiday everything seems to come piling in.

Lack of sleep days are back to haunt and hell my eyes hurt from wearing too much contacts.not entirely sure what i want to say again but i just felt like this space needed a little update.

so yeah bear with this for a while

12 Feb 09

2009-08-05T17:10:00.003+08:00

i took these pics earlier when they were for sold. here are a few more that i didnt post up or colour correct. lol

yes my dog does that and no she doesnt eat them

sweet pink ears =)

hello crystal!! is this the first time youre on my blog?

tsk busy on the phone

we're at Jalan 222 or Jalan 223 whichever u prefer

otak otak is awesome

and so is the milo ais. mmm

pawned.

huff puff is a must =) rasta baybeh

oh. this was at vietnam kitchen in leisure mall. only like 10-12 bucks for this set?? hell worth it.

do take note this was in february. lol

Morning Magic

2009-08-05T12:55:00.002+08:00

listening to Cataldo-Do It All Night (Bar Lounge Classics) right now and the weather is almost perfect. Cloudy with a lovely just after rain breeze that makes you feel totally at ease with everything including yourself. A slight drizzle still follows making it all the better and i feel like im on holiday by the beach.

woke up much earlier and the weather was lovely as well. Curled up under my blankie with one of the more humourous books i own and just lost myself in my own happy bubble. British humour cracks me up everytime.

and instead of my usual dammit i should have gone to class moods i'm really glad i chose to stay in after some drama with my mum this morning because the atmosphere has totally cleared my mind of what happened earlier.

it's at rare times like these i actually feel blessed to be alive =) hm

Moonlight Red

2009-08-04T20:34:00.003+08:00

i noticed the moon was slightly orange today but it wasnt until i stared at it for about 5 minutes that i noticed the light around it was glowing a strange sort of red. at first it was scary but when u continue looking at it, it feels like you're slipping away from yourself. my eye lids got heavy and i felt an ethereal sort of funny envelope my body.

i became unusually aware of myself, noticably more sensuous was the exact result. my body relaxed and the music playing on the radio made me float into an easy comfortable smile. the feeling still lingers as i sit here and type and i feel a strange rush of pleasure as though im being touched at all those special areas.

i want to write in more detailed explanations but i know i cant and i want to whisper my needs and desires into the ears of someone else. yet right now, i sit here alone and it's fine, because i feel totally at peace in my bubble of lustful calm.

9 Feb 09

2009-08-03T17:52:00.003+08:00

had some random TVC thingie... and yeah random pics. totally random. wtf

this is ivan. he is awesome dancer.

and we call him ivan sot. wtf

failed attempt at holding cap square @@

ehh my brain is on fail mode. what do u call this again??

yeah whatever i dont even remember where this was but it was pretty good. wtf

saltiest crappiest tom yam in a restaurant in curve. brain cant think what its called. its upstaires near ah tuan ees @_@

The Missing Blog Posts

2009-08-03T12:04:00.002+08:00

or more like the missing Ginny.

PC fair pretty much pawned me big time and there were a lot of times i wanted to blog. times like after the shisha session with my much missed jess and garlic sauce fries loving sam but i was too tired and now that the moments passed you kind of just forget what u want to say and the flow of words go missing.

i am tres excited about 4play in zouk this thursday for some reason =D dance dance till you cant standdddd.. wheeeeeeeeeee

hm.. aus is less than 2 weeks away. cant say im feeling the excitement yet. pretty worried about my pets and the fact that im extremely lacking in funds @_@

shit sam. im craving the friesssssss.. arghhhhhhhhhhh

am dreading getting my flu jab. wtf.

this is such a random post but im random like that anyway so yeah heck.

i was just talking to a friend last night on how i think the haze has dissapeared but i think its back because my nose feels funny .__. or it could just be my house

2 Years Down the Road

2009-07-30T17:59:00.003+08:00

and im sitting in the same shop watching them boys mess around playing pool and foosing. i sat there almost shocked by the sheer magnitude of the whole situation. it's been 2 years since i've last been here sitting with them and it feels good to know nothing's changed =)

like loons said "being back in malaysia is like being in a time capsule" hahha the irony of his words. today i felt 16-17 again and hell did it bring back a lot of pretty good memories.

have i really been MIA for that long?

Steve Jobs -

2009-07-29T22:47:00.003+08:00

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life.

Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

Empty Shell

2009-07-29T14:00:00.001+08:00

Uneasy Silence

2009-07-29T12:11:00.003+08:00

you know that feeling you get where you wake up and feel like shit and then all you want to do is lie in bed and cry yourself to sleep in hopes that you eventually fall back asleep and never wake up? been feeling that way for quite some time now.

it's ironic how i was telling my friend he should quit smoking because he was coughing yesterday. he said he stopped for 3-4 years and now there's no more motivation. i think it was more of the fact that everytime he smokes it temps me to just grab the fucken thing from his hands and take that long deep puff. i have reached breaking down point. not good. not good at all.

i've been neglecting a lot of things lately, i guess the animals suffer the most when im at this stage. i need to snap out of this.

i have more male friends than female friends. is that so hard to accept?

and why the hell are ppl that have been MIA from my life over the past 2 years starting to come look for me again. i hate ulterior motives, it pisses me off. i dont need someone to sweep me off my feet, especially not someone whom just walks up and leave whenever im attached.

i want to fucken smash things right now. hello myviolent friend, it's been a while.

Letter To Him

2009-07-29T01:01:00.004+08:00

you know, i hate being ignored. this was one thing that really annoyed and pissed me off in the past because it was something you would so often do when you were cranky or with your friends and working. you paid almost zero attention to me.

there were time i sat on the bed while you happily used the computer and tears would be falling down my cheeks yet you wouldnt even flinch or realise at all. this happened a lot in the car. Many a times i tried talking to you and you would keep quiet and ignore me, and then i would pretend to sleep while my eyes were brimming in tears. Never noticed did you?

i wonder why you said those things you did because they were such short lived explanations and answers. You change your mind pretty quick don't you.

I wonder if you even realised how our relationship dwindled down the drain as i apparently became more of a troublesome chore to you than a partner. i wonder if you noticed how cold you started being over the past final months of what was left of us. i wonder a lot of things and i wonder if you noticed a lot of more important things rather than that trivial matter of my apparent cheating on you.

well just for the record, i never did and never have.

and yes i am angry that you are wasting my air tickets and visa that i worked so fucking hard for.

Silence is Golden

2009-07-27T11:01:00.002+08:00

maybe i should have kept quiet. maybe i shouldnt have told u what happened because i knew you wouldnt remember especially seeing how things had happened.

dont know what i want to say.

but around the merry go round of tears we go again.

Hennessy Mindfucks

2009-07-26T11:07:00.004+08:00

twas one hell of a party. way way better than the previous year. random snapping of happy chappy people and downing glasses of henessy made it all the better. i havent downed my drinks continuously that way in a long time. i think im getting my mojo back.

someone even went whoa, the legends back. wtf. what legend? i am now a henessy + apple juice / hennessy + ice cream soda addict

i was happy, i was even happier when you held my hand and pulled me with you despite the fact that she was just standing a few feet away. you said fuck that but i wonder if it came from your heart or was it just you being drunk. amazing how different you can be when you are in the radar of her sight.

that last whisper of good bye and the warmth of your hands on my waist left me like a pool on the floor yet what you did after that shocked me and those that watched. i should have been happy, but you know what? really im not. i wished you were that way without being intoxicated with so much as just a drop...

you probably wont read this, unless i tell you too but thank you for making me smile, even if it was just for that little while.

"Vous rencontrer etait destin, allant bien a votre ami etait un choix, tombant amoureux de vous etait au dela de ma maitrise "

7-8 Feb 09

2009-07-25T02:30:00.003+08:00

cheesecake thing at Popeye's TTDI. pretty good

their mashed potatoes is awesomest

chicken biscuit+shrimp

i hate this. crazy salty

ooo..fleshy.

fried chicken...duh..what else?

pretty awesome mocha or was it iced choc? hell i just remember it being good at Cafe Libre, Taman Desa

my face like poofy maximum wei

say hello to Chippy

my dog camwhores with me. does yours?

Weekend Heartache

2009-07-24T16:40:00.002+08:00

everyones left. even "daddy"'s gone on holiday. well sort of.

you on the other hand are nowhere to be found. or maybe just avoiding me i guess, like how you do everytime the weekend rolls around. i tell myself to stop, i tell myself it's not worth it but in the end i just continue to let myself drop.

sarah mclachlan's voice kind of breaks a person when one is in such a state doesnt it?

i've been thrown back into the playing field, new people all around yet the one i want is the one that's out of bounds. fate has it's funny ways of spreading itself out.

sometimes i wish i really wasnt so nice. always doing things within it's boundaries. having my conscience scream at me everytime i think of doing something that might make my heart skip a mile.

right now im shattered, shattered like the fragile shards of glass thrown straight to the ground.

28 - 31 Jan 09

2009-07-24T10:47:00.002+08:00

as emotionally unstable as i am right now. i figured i might as well continue my usual picture spamming because i really need to clear my desktop from way overdued pics.

found this folder i apparently forgot about.

emo much

ghostly

azzy baby looking very angry

we see a light!

Rachel Yamagata - Over and Over

2009-07-23T02:27:00.001+08:00

I really thought I was okay
I really thought I was just fine
But when I woke this time
There was nothing to take me back to sleep
To take you off my mind, this time

And I keep saying
Over and over and over and over again
Let it rain, let it rain
Over and over and over and over again
Let it rain, let it rain

I need to hide within a storm
So have the lightning come
Bring the winds that scream
And spill the fog all over town
Hold me in your standstill ground
And I will sink down
And you’ll be washed away
You’ll be washed away

Over and over and over and over again
Let it rain, let it rain
Over and over and over and over again
Let it rain, let it rain

I really thought I was okay
I really thought I was just fine
But when I woke up this time
There was nothing to take you off my mind

Over and over and over and over again
Let it rain, let it rain
Over and over and over and over again
Let it rain, let it rain

Over and over and over and over again
Let it rain, let it rain
Over and over and over and over again
Let it rain, let it rain

I need to hide within a storm
So have the lightning come
Bring the winds that scream
Spill the fog all over town

Break through every door
Strip away the trees
Raise the rivers high
Just help me drown

Hold me in your standstill ground
And I will sink down
And you’ll be washed away
You’ll be washed away

Blue Waters

2009-07-21T02:51:00.002+08:00

just a little past midnight, back turned to KL's night lights, all around me laughter erupts and 2 bottles of white wine they had ordered in attempt to cheer me up. i took a sip, maybe two. im sorry i wasted the efforts you guys had tried to pull through.

the glimmer of the pool envelopes my mind and i stare into nothingness, my mind a blank empty slate. i want to dive in i thought. i want to dive under, float on my back and let the world pass me by. i sat there for almost 2 hours wondering what if i tried, tried to let myself fall into that crystal like pool. just me and my water of solitude.

i didn't cry today. i felt my tears dry up. ive run out of things to cry about i thought. i am stronger today than i was yesterday.

and then "daddy" gave me a hug. the warmth that hit and the words he said stung me hard. "dont emo kay? you're worth more than that. if there's anything you will always have us. just call and we'll talk" it was at that point i finally let down my guard. my eyes welled up and an intense sadness swept through me. yet looking at those faces around me i stopped. i will not cry in front of them, not now not today was all that went through my head. i let a weak smile escape my lips and fell back into my state of empty oblivion.

i wonder if you really know just how much i feel?

on a side note...

what doesnt kill me will only make me stronger.

Night Falls

2009-07-20T21:58:00.003+08:00

and my heads spinning. It's been a while since shisha smoke has done just that to me. Day time watching people around me take puffs from that long poisonous stick i feel myself being drawn into the need to grab one and light the damn thing.

Watch yourself princess, you're stronger than that. Dont fall, not now.

Dark skies are usually happy for me, chilled and relaxed. What fucking irony. They say its karma, is it really?

Im surrounded by people i love right now, yet i cant help but feel lonely. I dont know how to explain what it is im feeling but i guess those around me already know.

***sam says helloooooooooo wassup***

havent felt this way since 2006.

please dont let me sink back in the way i once did. Theres much too many things happening around me for it to happen. Not now.

fairy tales dont exist.

Lose Myself

2009-07-20T11:15:00.003+08:00

all it took was a few hours of pure stupidity to kill that state of joy i was in. im slipping away again. it's not a pretty sight.

once again in my eyes i see the sight of gleaming metal and those pretty crimson lines. even the imagined sight of it puts a little smile at the side of my lips. perhaps i really am deranged.

i thought i was prepared. i thought i saw it coming.

but all i did was hurt everyone in it.

i dissappointed those that loved me most, ignored their acquisitions of what they had perceived of my pathethic little situation. i knew what they said were true, i knew the outcome of it; yet still i chose to go along.

why was i do dumb?

why didnt i swim away the way i knew i should have? why did i let myself drown in such an undignified way?

last night, i lost myself.

this morning, i am someone else.

Leave It Be

2009-07-20T02:49:00.003+08:00

i am left speechless.

stupidity is my middle name. although i say that a lot but this time, i think this time may just have been the icing on the cake.

it's time to grow up princess.

life really isnt all that fun after all. collateral damage has very obviously happened.

stand up and walk baby girl, you'll do just fine.

i hope.

Sia - Breath Me

2009-07-20T02:31:00.000+08:00

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
I hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch

I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

My Loves

2009-07-19T19:26:00.002+08:00

the past few days have been spent in excess outside with love loves of different company. each never failing to cheer me up one way or another.

"anything to make you smile" definitely put a smile on my face.

kevinhan: wow ginny, ive never seen you so happy before.
this coming from the guy who says i answer the phone like a dead person. had a happy domokun themed shoot with the Xind. smiley smiley =) how rare of me.

just got back from an awesome dinner with bryan in Sao Nam, Changkat Bukit Bintang. tres awesome because i had my favvouuuritee mangostein+prawn salad. slurp slurp yum

am starting to love being around people again. perhaps my social anti-social phase has finally passed.

nothing much to say.

but yeap, life's good and i love my friends. ^_^

Take me Back to Hat Yai 09

2009-07-18T10:29:00.002+08:00

at times when i think im fine it all breaks apart and somehow i feel that little splinter dig deeper into my heart. what am i thinking? no, i know what im thinking. instead, what am i doing? and why the hell am i doing it knowing that nothing good ever comes.

take me back to Hat Yai 09 where coconut jellies and long car rides made me feel most at ease.

The Inevitable

2009-07-17T11:21:00.002+08:00

has happened. on how the course of action took place, im not entirely sure but i guess it doesnt really matter. please stop asking if im okay because really, i'm fine. i've become numbed at the whole situation of it all.

so for a few days or so, this blog will be on hiatus until the air has settled.

don't worry. im not abandoning it.

Untitled Reality

2009-07-15T10:41:00.002+08:00

4 days of almost no sleep i crashed at approximately 3.30 AM this morning. you would think by this point i would be able to sleep the day away and wake up feeling somewhat refreshed or at least in a state of peace.

reality check 123, 4 random jumps in my sleep and my final wake up call had my heart thumping in its attempt to hammer itself out of my chest. i am still stuck in limbo i think. everythings bright and clear but my body feels pretty much detached from myself, i am lost in my own delirium of confusion.

ironic.

tonight i will undo my defenses and drink till i cant see straight.

Insomnia Kills

2009-07-14T04:23:00.003+08:00

i have barely slept in 3 days which is a first because anyone that knows me knows what a major pig i am (kevin han very often lectures me on my hugely disgusting sleeping habits) today i KO-ed pretty exhausted but lo and behold less than 4 hours later im wide awake and sitting by the toilet bowl puking nothingness again (this happens when my body's really tired especially during exam periods) so it's day 2 of empty puking and only a little bit of bile juice actually comes out. HUHUHU

right i forgot what i wanted to say. but sam just reminded me of david lynch. DO U ALL REMEMBER THAT VIDEO I POSTED UP!!! the one called the alphabet T___T i bet u all didnt click on it T__T why like that. its damn awesome can. but i guess not many people actually get it. but he is amazing, the way he is able to visualise his thoughts in such a way is just sigh...he's got my respect yo. if one day i ever achieve that ability i will be very very proud of myself which is rare because i have pretty crappy self esteem issues.

my eyes hurt.

and i want to go to class but nobody wants to fetch me T_T wth. this is like the first time this is happening. am i crazy?? although class is still in another 8 hours but thats besides the point

1-5 Feb 09

2009-07-14T00:15:00.003+08:00

happy gin?

at her fav italian porto romano, TTDI

why is hsi hair like that! @_@

mwahahha i got this for 15 bucks woi. see shit like this makes me happy

pooh bear is awesomness.

CAN FIT MAGGI AN OKAY!! and this is jap one summoh. BIGGER PACK. hohohoh

Tick Tock Tick Tock

2009-07-12T16:06:00.003+08:00

i am currently dominating seans bed and laptop but the dopes lying next to me making crude remarks about some issue thats been going on. yupers. the tall retarded guys been back for sometime now and very good, just in time for emo season!! and is leaving in less than 2 weeks '=_=
hopefully ill be back to normal because crying and emo-ing over nothing in the alfa that has been through so many accidents is very conforting. hur hur hur.

oh hes snoring now.

and he has this really annoying clock and i can hear it so crisp and clear my paranoia is just becoming more heightened. i need to puke. big time.

i havent drunk alcohol properly in over years now since i stopped the whole clubbing habit and the god brother went MIA from my life. i wonder how it feels like to be drunk. right now, that sounds really good.

i need a drink.

Sometimes We Cry...

2009-07-12T00:52:00.003+08:00

for reasons we refuse to allow ourselves to acknowledge. it hurts because we know why yet we choose to pretend that the reason isnt really the reason after all.

sometimes we do things unintentionally and then there is that fear of regret, yet we continue to do it anyway as if it's okay to continue even after knowing how bad things could turn out.

im not entirely sure what it is that i want to say but my tears right now shouldnt even flow considering what it is i have just said.

empty.

thats it, i feel empty right now.

lost in my own sea of complicted lies.

i guess my one of my previous post kinda jinxed me huh?

emo gin is very unfortunately back.

Dated 8 July 09 @ Car Ride to Help

2009-07-11T23:22:00.002+08:00

I am unable to speak, no sounds will come out.What dreams caused this silence is of no importance right now but it has indefinitely robbed me of my smile. My heart is still racing despite it being over an hour ago; i feel sick. i want to hurl but once again my heart is thrown blindly into my mouth, making it unable to open up.

I did not have a good night, that is beyond obvious. Noise tha could drive a person crazy infiltrated my ears as i sat up in bed panting from that illusion paintd in my head. i want to scream, no, not a scared kind of scream, more like a confused scream indicating signs of lucid insanity.

I sit motionless, eyes bloodshot; i want myself step over the ledge of a window. No, i did not dream of my death. This, this wasnt even a dream. This was me, myself falling into temptaion of lost paranoia and those high pitched poisonous sounds. I think im losing it.

There is more, i know there is more that i need to say. Yet, staring out at the moving images, i feel like i've already drowned. Am i really even still alive? Strange, all i see is me sprawled unmoving on that cold solid floor.

What did i dream of you wonder. This that have happened, the present and things that might become is all that i can answer. No, it wasnt even anything sad. So why does it hurt me so bad?

Boom Boom Pow

2009-07-10T04:22:00.002+08:00

and ill be back in a while.

sorry. MIA pretty often lately.

zouk started out pissy and annoying but in the end fun times with the love loves. awesomeness much. fuck the damn guest list. lets dance and scream till our lungs break out.

busy busy busy busy.

dont go away because obs3ssionsz.net will be right back

you know i love ya =D

findafullmoon is on . .

2009-07-08T00:46:00.006+08:00

oh hello there babycakes of obs3ssiosz.net :*)

umm, as guest blog... -___- i have ntg to say.

ok . . . .

according to ginny's definition, i'm a hyped-up male trapped in a female's body. alright, i exaggerated!. . .

ginny is basically an emotional chick all trapped in one soul.

however, its pretty sad that i haven't really seen her during her emo periods, besides this blog of hers and msn . majority of the time when i do actually see her which is like one a year, she's the nicest of person, includes fugz..ahaha. travelling from her place to mine which is like kajang, the totally opposite route. for that travelling distance, i love her. :*)

*ok and fugz too . . .

besides that, i reckon that she's the cutest and stonest person ever. :*D. thanks for taking me around KL.. food, chilling, friends. . ahhh . . i reckon without her, my summer and winter breaks in KL would be a totally depressing holiday -___-'' .

goshes, she's rushing me. . >__<

there's nothing about me in this post, however, you know you could always hop on to findafullmoon.blogspot.com. erhemmmm. HAHAH!

i have three words for you ginny yap!

I LOVE YOU kao kao:)

chuck chuck boom!

Runaway Child

2009-07-06T06:13:00.002+08:00

there is an undeniable sense of regret in matters of road taken and i feel at an absolute lost at my incapabililty to allow myself to love what it is that im doing. timetable's an absolute bitch and pulls me under so deep, i feel the need to lock myself in a room and sleep till i no longer even bleed.

it's not that i hate my classes, it's not that i hate being in class. it's the whole idea of it that denies me my freedom and acceptance to even want to go back to it all. it really isnt about being lazy either its about doing something i know i really have lost the passion for; a dead end at a frozen trail and all i see is this monochromed lie thats slowly burying me inside.

holidays are meant to be good for you but what happens when you never really recover from it?

my next tattoo is a suicidal fairy straped to a revolver, unladylike and fierce; a piece i fell instantly in love with yet had no proper meaning to. it just stared back at me begging to be imprinted, with words "think happy thoughts" in place of the model of the revolver. it felt so me somehow yet brought no reason or that 100% clarity of being a permanant mark on my body that time around. classes have started and i fear depression setting it; it is right now that it brings a deeper sense of being somehow. i think this week will be a good time to get it done.

i just want to run away from it all, run away from the expectations of others and live my life happy and free. "you and everyone else" i hear the words scream back in my head. but i guess im not as strong as everyone else is now then am i? im not that girl with ambition or drive to make something of herself and like many other people i have become a downcast in the cruel eyes of mankind and the society we have been brought up in.

on the bus my thai friend asked, "why are you called emo girl? i know you so long and you like happy all the time only?" it's true, i've been quite the carefree child over the months of skipping classes and doing things i want but today, right now, in the midst of forcing myself to get ready for class i sit here in front of this lighted screen and finally after months, break down.

Back from the Land of Fish Sauce and Quaill Eggs

2009-07-05T13:16:00.002+08:00

haha. guess where i randomly popped over too for the past 4 days! but im sure fish sauce pretty much gave it away because seriously the people there love their fish sauce. even certain parts of the sea smelt like fish sauce and when i proclaimed how disgusting it smelt my host/translator/clown/burnt friend proclaimed what! it smells normal what!! smells nice!! i like the smell of fish sauce. wtf.

okay la. i went to Hat Yai on a random whim. said situation went like this. receive sms at 10pm at night on tuesday. said sms read i'm going to hatyai again tomorrow 10pm. u want to come? wed afternoon i decide okay imma gonna go and sms mum for passport where she very swiftly dodges the entire question with things like no cannot H1N1 and how i will die in the bus. after about 15-20 messages or so she tells me my passport is at home. "=_=

at 8.30 PM pack bags and leave realising i have forgotten my prized bolster, sun screen and contact lens solution. reach bus stop at 9.30 because of pit stops to buy solution thus depleting a quarter of my money. bad move. thought i was going to miss the bus but said previous friend lied to me about having to be there at 9. bus left at 22:22 (yes it was fated)

arrived at uber cheap hotel (approximate4ly 50 bucks for 2 twin size beds, hot water, air conditioning, and lots of channels on the tube) i expected muych dodginess but was pleasently surprised at how clean it was. toilet was clean!! i am very anal about my toilets.

so Hat Yai is one of those cities where on first arrival i was sorely dissapointed (havent been there in years), the weather was way too hot and the city way too messy but over time you just fall in love with the place and the random quirks that point out to you as a reminder you're not exactly in KL anymore.

Yet at the same time it's so much like KL i forget im even away from KL. On day 1 i was pretty much upset to find out that we had to stay an extra day, on the last day i was bummed and didn't exactly want to go home.

well, anyway i need to rush out now so more on Thailand later =) toodles.

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